Lessons upon turning 70
In a few weeks I shall turn 70 and will be retired from the Asian Institute of Management roster of full-time faculty. Writing something personal seems a good idea, having lived life that so far given me so many lessons, not necessarily painlessly learned.
I recall that I wrote something like this some years back and said that one of the earliest lessons for came via Anne Morrow Lindberg who wrote, contrary to John Donne, that, “All men are islands, bound by the common sea of humanity,” truly a compelling image. We suffer alone, regardless of how others may sympathize with us. Truly we feel joy alone, too, even when everyone else is celebrating with us. Our grief and our joy are always personal, salved and shared they may be by the caring of others.
This is made true by a paradox of the human species identified by Clyde and Florence Kluckholn that I rewrite as, “No two persons are alike. Some persons are more alike than others. All persons are the same.”
I recall an article of Regina Brett who was then all of 90-year-old when she wrote the article. She listed 45 lessons she had learned in her life. Almost all resonated with me. I thought hard on each. To make it more meaningful for me I rewrote these in my own way, modifying Ms. Brett’s list, clustering items into shorter and hopefully coherent paragraphs, sometimes adding, sometimes deleting items that I think do not apply to me. Let me share part of the rewrite:
1. God is God, the Almighty being who loves you not because of anything they say you did or didn’t do but because you are you.
2. Life isn’t fair. Through the choices we make we can make it great! It’s a gift that isn’t given gift-wrapped. It is short. Make the most of it. Enjoy it. As a 24-month Stage 4C colon cancer survivor who was initially considered a “terminal case” and given six to 10 months to live, this has deep meaning for me.
3. Time heals almost everything. Frame every so-called disaster with a question, “In a few years will this matter?” Give Time time. All good and bad situations change.
4. What others think of us is their business. What we think of ourselves matter more. Let’s not take ourselves too seriously. We need to laugh at ourselves. Go outdoors every day — I just have to avoid direct sunlight or intense artificial lights as my cancer meds are photo sensitive and become toxic if exposed to intense light over three minutes. Miracles are waiting everywhere. Don’t audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
5. When in doubt, take the next small step towards the direction we initially think we wish to go. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. Be prepared to step back quickly, reassess our plans, and change quickly if and when necessary.
6. Balance work and personal life. When we are down, our organizations will help us mostly with money support but only to a point. It is our family and friends who will take care of us in the long run, plus the social security and insurance we took pains to invest in.
7. Our children get only one childhood. Be sure to share it happily with them. All that truly matters in the end is that we love and are loved. It has always been a poor excuse to bury ourselves in work and making money supposedly “for the sake of the family.”
8. We don’t have to join every argument we are invited to, nor do we have to win all we decide to participate in. Know when to join and when to yield.
9. Stay true to ourselves. Whatever doesn’t kill us can only make us stronger.
10. Cry, and cry with someone. Crying is healing and it’s more healing to cry with others than crying alone. And it’s OK to let our family, especially our children, and friends see us cry.
11. Forgive. Make peace with our past and don’t mess our present. And I think it is okay to get angry with the Almighty. The Almighty knows why we’re mad and will let it pass.
12. When it comes to food we truly love, resistance is futile — unless results may be fatal. Just don’t indulge.
13. Stop comparing your life with others. We don’t have the complete picture of their lives. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else’s, in most cases we’d grab ours back. Envy is a waste of time. Accept what we already have, not waste time pining for what we wanted instead. The best is yet to come...
14. Relationships should be celebrated. If we have to hide some, we probably shouldn’t be in them. If some things and some relationships are not good — some are actually harmful — to us, throw them away. Clutter always weighs us down in many ways.
15. It’s up to each of us to be happy. No one is in charge of your hap- piness but us. And it’s never too late to work at being happy. If you really love someone, go for her or him and don’t take no for an answer (I did!).
16. Try and always be a bit over prepared, but don’t hesitate to go with the flow.
17. Be eccentric, “crazy,” now. Don’t wait for “the right age” to wear those bright colored shirts (I have, and received much approval!).
18. The brain is really the most important sex organ. To this day I do not need Viagra!
19. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up, and show up. People appreciate the effort, especially when they know you are ill. They find the effort inspiring.
20. At 70, you can tell all your school crushes from elementary to college just how you felt about them. I got surprised with nice and tight hugs and a chide for not having spoken up! It was pleasant to know that in a few cases, the feelings were mutual!
21. Anent number 20, never fail to tell the missus just how much you love her every morning when you wake up and every night before you drift to sleep. Hold hands when you do so.
22. Live a life of service and social significance. The rewards I got and still get surprise me.
To cap these, I cite T. S. Eliot and Robert Frost. Eliot wrote, “We shall not cease from this exploration. And the end of the exploring will be to arrive at the place where we started, and know it for the first time.”
I quote two from Frost. The first is: “Before I build a wall, I would first ask who I am walling out, And who I am walling in… For there are those who don’t like walls.”
And: “Earth is the right place for love.
I don’t know where else it is likely to go better.”
There are many more I omitted and I am sure there are some I have forgotten — I hope only temporarily! There are more I will learn in the future, which I hope the Almighty will extend so I can still spoil a few grandchildren! Meantime, I offer these to you for your consideration. I love you all! Cheers!
Don’t wait for “the right age” to wear those bright colored shirts.