My post-pandemic back-to-school guide: Family communication
LAST week, I shared the first step in my post-pandemic back-to-school roadmap. This was about finding context, accepting realities and listing down our own family worries and observations. There were issues on procrastination and time management for my teen. There was affected motivation in academic work due to prolonged online learning from my 12-year-old.
This brings me to the second step in this roadmap, which is honest, supportive, “fun” and collaborative family communication. It might seem easier to sweep obvious issues under the rug and just wish these issues would fix themselves. In reality, it might.
However, I believe that because the pandemic has also put in the additional “ingredient” of some form of anxiety in our kids, as well as the absence of the physical school environment with teacher and peer support for almost two years, the odds of this happening is not too high.
I wanted my kids to go into the post-pandemic school environment with a calm and confident heart—to accept the changes of their performance and peer relationships, as well as know that it is not always about picking up the pieces, but also drawing a new canvas. I drew a lot from our past family communication times, as well as tips I learned from the book, titled A Mind of Their Own: Building Your Child’s Emotional Wellbeing in a Post-pandemic World by Katherine Hill.
I learned a very important sentiment: “You were never their age.” It is quite common for us to hear the phrase “During our time...” and use that as a point of judgment when we assess our child’s situations and reactions. I like the reminder of how important it is to give ample effort and time to listen, empathize and talk to our children. Below are some of the tips I learned for each:
ON LISTENING
1. Find a good time. Life is busy and our children rarely choose the best time to talk to us, particularly if they are upset. The book advises that if you can, push back your other commitments to make room for the conversation, or, if not, agree on a time with your child to revisit the issue.
2. Find a good place. It suggests a place free from distractions...somewhere familiar in the home, like using an old chair with fond memories of childhood, walking the dog, or going to a different place.
3. Focus. Listening to our children means turning off the running dialogue in our head, switching off our phone, pausing our to-do-list and giving our children our full attention. While young children need eye contact, listening to teenagers is often easier when they don’t feel put on the spot. Teenagers prefer any time or place that reduces the pressure. It gives practical examples, like sitting side by side in a cafe, going for a walk, or when perched on breakfast bar while you are cooking.
4. Listen out for how they are feeling. It’s important to try to understand the feelings behind our children’s words or behavior.
5. Don’t try to fix it. Even if we know the solution to our child’s problem, our aim isn’t to fix it, but simply to allow them to talk about it. Interrupting, being dismissive, or jumping in with instant solutions can make them feel that their own thoughts on the matter are falling on deaf ears.
6. Don’t have any no-go areas. One of the greatest gifts we can give our children is allowing them to feel they can talk to us about anything, no holds barred.
ON EMPATHY 1. Don’t minimize your child’s feelings.
Ignoring or making light of how they feel won’t make those emotions go away, and they need us to acknowledge when they are in pain or struggling.
2. Accept that you might need to feel sad, too. It might be easier for us if we jump in to save our child from tears and frustrations, but as long as they are not in danger, let them work through their feelings on their own, even if seeing them struggle makes us feel sad. It’s a life skill, and practice makes perfect.
3. Don’t give the impression that happiness comes with ‘things.’ If our reaction to our child being unhappy is to offer them a new toy or a trip to the cinema, we’re teaching them that the lack of happiness can be put right by things that come from outside. 4. Share your own experiences with your children. Talk to them about the times in your own life when you were sad or disappointed. As they grow older, you may be able to share with them disappointments that you are currently facing and what you are doing to help you get through.
5. Protect crying children from others who call them a cry-baby. Children need to know that crying is a good, healthy way for people to express their sad feelings.
ON TALKING TO OUR CHILDREN
■ Use play to talk with younger children.
■ Don’t take things too personally, especially with teenagers.
■ Be prepared to apologize.
■ Concentrate on them and don’t interrupt.
■ Remember the acronym PLUC when talking to teenagers: Pause, Listen, Understand, Comment. Pause—don’t just react; Listen—to what they are saying; Understand—ask questions to check with your child that you’ve understood them correctly; Comment—share what you think but only after you’ve done all the above, and only if you have permission. n