Engage, Educate, Enjoy
Precious advice on making the most of your child’s growing up years from a beloved fast food chain and a renowned parenting expert.
They are only young once so be there for your children, teach them values, and create as many warm, lasting, and “sweet-saya” family memories as you can. Parents’ teachings, especially during the formative years, truly make a difference, as children raised with love, affection, kindness, and respect will grow up to be caring, cheerful, confident, and courteous adults.
These are the timely and touching reminders that popular fast food brand Jollibee delivered via its latest advertisements and online videos. It genuinely cares for the welfare of all Filipino families that’s why it also brought to the country acclaimed educational psychologist, bestselling author, and parenting and character expert Dr. Michele Borba for a series of talks and to enlighten more parents about the needs of today’s kids.
Here are snippets of the child-rearing wisdom that Dr. Borba shared during the “Sweet-Saya Moments Parenting Chat,” held recently at the Jollibee Pioneer Center branch in Pasig City.
On the significance of the formative years (one to seven years old)
We don’t have a chance to rewind and do it all over again. Your child’s brain is most plastic during those times. It really is formative and those are the times when we can build our influence, when our kids are there and tuning in. Those are the prime years for developing not only the child’s character but his social, emotional, and physical wellbeing. This doesn’t mean it has to cost anything. It’s just our presence. It’s just connecting with our kids and getting to know each other and there’s nothing more important.
On the most difficult challenges that parents face nowadays
First is safety. That’s why family bonding and getting back together and feeling calm with our children is so critical. Second is that everybody’s plugged in. The internet is making a major difference on our children, on how they turn out, but also on family relationships because if we’re not careful, we plug in, but we plug out from one another and that’s a disaster for our kids. Third is that they put more and more emphasis on test scores as opposed to who the child is and how he’s becoming. As a result, our kids don’t have much time to have a childhood or have those memories with us because they’re always doing, and we’re always busy, which puts guilt in all of us. No matter what we do, parenting is always about guilt. That’s the one commonality in every culture.
On screen time and gadget use
We all need to take a reality check. So first, reflect quietly and check how often the family is plugged in (watching TV, using an iPad, texting, and gaming). Our middle school kids say they’re more comfortable texting than talking and that’s a danger because they’re looking down, not up, and the longer you look down, the lower your emotional literacy scores go, and that’s the seed for respect and empathy. Second, go ahead, be the parent and start saying “No.” You’re going to get resistance from the children, but that’s normal. Figure out where you want your unplugged times to be. We all think it’s the kids who are too plugged in but 66 percent of kids say parents are the ones too plugged in. Put your gadgets away so you can enjoy your children because there’s no rewind button on parenting. There should be no cell phones during family meals, because that’s the key that’s draining your lifetime rituals, your memories, and tuning in to one another. You need relaxed little rituals with your kids that are fun and that create the long-term connection memories.
On dealing with tantrums
Remember you’ve got split seconds before the child goes from smiling or normal to meltdown mode. You could do a couple of things then. One, distract him immediately. Give him a toy or take him someplace else. Or you could help him express what he feels. Harvey Karp, a very wonderful pediatrician, has found that younger kids very often have temper tantrums because they don’t have the words to express it. So you can go, “Maaad! Are you mad?” And the child would answer, “Yeah!” and it stops the tantrum. Once the exorcism starts, ignore it. The longer you pay attention to a temper tantrum, the longer it lasts. Keep in mind, too, the things that cause tan- trums. One is boredom so keep your kid occupied. Two is hunger so feed them when you take them out. Three, don’t let them do things if they’re tired or haven’t had a nap. You’ll find that the longer you ignore a tantrum, the sooner it will stop. Once you start giving it attention, it increases because kids figure out, “Oh, it worked last time. She’s just going to mean it for about 15 minutes then she’s going to come back in.” Be consistent and you’ll get faster results.
On the most important values to teach today’s kids
Performance values like grit and perseverance help with self-control and help a child in a classroom. We are doing a far really good job of emphasizing grit these days, and our children, by the way, are the most stressed on record because we’ve been emphasizing grit. What’s lying dormant across the world is empathy in children. In fact, there’s been a 40 percent drop in the US in the last 30 years because we’re not connecting face to face and we’re not emphasizing how to relate to other human beings. It all starts with empathy. You can’t have respect, kindness, and tolerance without it. So parents, stop raising children to think “me” and make them start thinking “we.” That’s the kind of kids who are going to succeed in the real world.
On raising the kind of children we wish to have
No matter what nation we’re in, parents, you need to sit down and ask yourselves, “How do we want our kids to turn out?” The fascinating thing is, we’ve got a lot more influence and control than we ever realized. IQ is pretty much genetically co-related, but character is all about something that is formed. We can cultivate it. In fact, our children are hard-wired for goodness. Sit down and look at your own child. Fast forward him and pretend he’s 40. What are the values you want to see in your child? If you can answer, “I want him to be respectful” or “I want him to be kind or honest,” whatever the values are, if you can think about it and say, “That’s what matters most,” all your parenting will align with it. You’ll be able to find dozens of simple, nocost ways to weave it in.
On building character and modeling good behavior
The fastest way to raise a child with good character is to model it yourself. We spend all this time on everything else when, in reality, our kids have little video camera recorders inside their heads and they’re playing us back at the most inopportune moments. Parents who raise good kids don’t do so by accident. They sat down also and figured out, “This is the child we want to raise” and they’re more intentional about it. Sit down as a family and talk about why it matters. Then model the good behavior and be the example. Create your own special rituals that identify and affirm your child’s positive traits. Our children act how they see themselves to be. Plant in their heads “You’re a good kid” and mean it. Make sure it’s preserved and what will happen is that their behavior will align with that.
Create more ‘sweet-saya’ moments by treating your kids and bonding over Jolly Spaghetti, available at all Jollibee branches for only R50.
‘Our kids have little video camera recorders inside their heads and they’re playing us back at the most inopportune moments.’