GOAL SETTING FOR FATHERS
Welcome back! This month we tackle part 2 of “Goal Setting for Fathers.” Last month, we looked at the WHY’s or the basis of goal setting. But before we dive into this exciting discussion, let me share a story that has stuck with me.
BEFORE IT ALL ENDS
I saw a video of a pastor’s son giving a eulogy for his father. He was a renowned pastor who dedicated his life to serving others. The son teared up as he said the best time he spent with his father were the months prior to his passing when he was sick. It was the only time in his life that his father affirmed him, and said, “You did good, son.” His dad was so caught up in his work that he missed his son’s graduation.
THE HEART OF PLANNING
As men, our motivation is conquest and success in our field of work. We often do this to feel that we are a person of value. No doubt, the pastor did his best work while he was alive, but it was at the expense of his family. They say no success at work can ever make up for failure at home. We plan because we want to succeed where it matters the most, in our home. The heart of planning is a selfless motivation to push our wife and children towards their God-given purpose in life, to protect them from things that may distract them from this, and provide the right guidance that would help them toward it.
IT STARTS WITH VALUES
Craig Groeschel said, “.... successful people do consistently, what others do occasionally.” The way we live our lives shape the outcome of our lives. Reaching your goal is not a sprint, but a marathon of consistent steps that eventually results in the desired outcome.
As a family, values define a code of conduct that all people can thrive in. This also solidifies your family as a tight unit with your own subculture that will be a strong fortress against the raging influence of peers, the internet, and social media at large.
Values means we define these four or five things as of greater importance than other things. For example, if you say you prioritized family relationships as a value, it will help to make simple decisions. Let’s say, a teenaged son has a friend’s party to go to on the same schedule as a sibling’s birthday party, then the latter becomes more important. It shapes the way we live our lives as a family, with each values-based decision bringing us closer to our goals.
Here are ways to set up your family values:
1. YOU ARE THE COACH
As the father, you are the coach for your team called the family, and the game you are playing is to enable the family and each member to reach their goal.
Look at the game and see where things are working and where it is not. For my family, I have children ages 6 and 3 years old. The main issue we need to overcome is that of having a discipline in doing things consistently. So, I placed that as one of our family values.
2. DRAFT YOUR VALUES
Write four to five values that are appropriate for where your family is at, at this stage in your life. You may tweak it as you move to the next stage. Some examples are self-control, family relationships, putting God first, growing talents and skills, exposure to the greater world, etc. These values mean we place them at the higher importance than all other things.
3. GET YOUR TEAM ONBOARD
Writing down a set of values and living them out are two different things. The best way to live them out is to get the buy in of each member of the family. First, discuss with your wife and get her inputs, afterwards with your first born. It takes three to start a culture in your home. Once they are onboard, it will be easier to live it out.
4. DO YOUR PITCH
Now the tough work begins. You can place your values in a graphic, or powerpoint, or drawing. Something with pictures to help them visualize it. You can do this during dinner and allow each one time to air their questions and suggestions.
5. FINALIZE AND MAKE VISIBLE
Include suggestions and finalize your family values. Make a graphic poster and make visible in a prominent place in your house. You can also print smaller versions and give one out to each member of the family.
6. COACH YOUR FAMILY TEAM
Start using your family values as a way to coach your team to success. You can enhance the values as you go along, adding more definitions to each value to make it clearer. Here are some other tips to make sure the values you set come to life:
1. BE THE MODEL
Lessons are caught, not taught. Kids follow our way of doing and reacting to things. If we say family is important, yet we prioritize our boys’ night out over an important family event, then we lose influence and credibility. Values will eventually die and be a piece of paper than a thriving culture.
2. KEEP A CALENDAR
Keeping one calendar for all aspects of your life— work, family, personal time, enables you to visualize the balance of your life and see how other aspects might be neglected.
3. BE INTENTIONAL WITH EACH MEMBER
Find a personal time to spend with each family member to get to bond with them and know how they can be coached.
Time is our most important resource. The way we shape our family’s lives will require us to rethink how we spend our time as fathers. It may require sacrificing personal time for the benefit of the family. But it is a sacrifice that will pay back in untold rewards. It is in giving yourself to your family and helping them do something they can’t on their own that you will discover your real value as a person, a real success that last across generations.
About the writer: Arnold Ang, fondly called Arner by his friends, is a master trainer, board member, and speaker of the Philippine chapter of The World Needs a Father. It’s a global movement focused on fatherhood. He is a loving husband to Melissa and father to Remy and Kenzi, and a furdad to Cody.