Forgiveness for a dying mother-in-law

ADAPTED from a recent online discussion. “Should,” I won’t touch. The real question is, do you to do more than pat her back and nod?

You can take this on, if you’re up to it. When “she becomes tearful, hugs me, and tells me how much she loves me,” and if it happens when it’s just the two of you at a calm moment, then you can say: “I appreciate this, I do. I’m so sorry you’re ill and glad I can bring you some comfort. But I’ve struggled to understand why you’re being so kind to me now— for years you ignored me, wouldn’t even say my name. What changed?”

It’s a tough call because some people would be horrified by the idea of being this raw to someone nearing her end, and others would be horrified at the idea of sending her off this earth with an insincere pat on the back instead of at least trying to get to a deeper truth.

For what it’s worth, my experience with the dying is that it’s a gift to let them speak their truth. Anecdote, not evidence. It might also help you to see her mistreatment of you as originating in her own misery, and her sudden warmth as an expression of profound regret. To forgive heals more reliably than to be forgiven.

As the longtime target of her rudeness, you get to choose with a clear conscience whatever path through this you feel you need to. Your husband might be a good source of insight too.

The best way to avoid regret is to think carefully about your options, and to choose the best one without letting fear hold you back.