Five stages of grief
A short story
BARGAINING came with the need to control something, anything, in a reality where a horrible inevitable existed.
If only someone had called the doctor an hour earlier, then Lily’s grandmother would still be breathing...
When Lily found the grief counselor’s pamphlet sitting crumpled in her bag, her first thought was to throw it away. Her second thought was to contact the number written inside the leaflet. After an hour of contemplation sitting in her grandmother’s old rocking chair, she left the house to go to the nearest sundry store to borrow a phone.
Two days later, she found herself in the grief counselor’s office. Lily didn’t know what to feel when she saw the creamy white wallpaper that matched the room’s beige and umber colored furniture, a scheme of earthy colors that made her feel right at home. Beyond the dark ochre curtains that covered the windows, the storm had been reduced to a steady stream of showers.
Lily was seated in a velvet armchair; opposite the woman she met by the cemetery’s gates after her grandmother’s funeral. Lily found herself mirroring the woman’s perfect posture ever since the session began, and she ignored the ache in her back, especially the dull throbbing in her shoulder blades, as she straightened her back to imitate the grief counselor.
“Lilith, can you tell me about your grandmother?” Dr. Argos, as the woman had introduced herself, asked kindly. Her red lips were curved into a smile.
Lily blinked, caught off guard at hearing her full first name, a word she had last heard from the dying breath of her grandmother.
“She named me, actually.” The words that left her lips stunned Lily. They were not the ones she wanted to say but rather an afterthought that she had accidentally voiced out. She was about to apologize when she saw Dr. Argos’ curious expression and the glint of intrigue in her eyes. She gave Lily a nod to continue.
Lily tugged on the collar of her turtleneck, her only protection against the cold air conditioning in Dr. Argos’ office. “My mother refused to know my gender until I was born and she never told my grandmother any of the names she had thought for me. So when she died after giving birth to me, well...”
“But why Lilith? It literally means ‘demon of the night,’” Dr. Argos answered, bemused.
“And that’s why I don’t use it.” Lily gave a shrug. “It’s actually weird, especially knowing that she was superstitious.”
“Can you specify one of her beliefs?”
Lily said the first thing that came to her mind. “There was this girl who died when I was young.
Her name was Stephanie, and they found her butchered corpse one night, just behind her house. Many people believed that some wild animal, maybe a rabid dog, attacked her.
The opposing side said such brutality could have only been done by a person, most likely a murderer. There was a minority that my grandmother was a part of that disagreed with both parties. They said that it was the work of something else.”
“Something else?” “Yes. An aswang.” It was only for a split- second but Lily caught a note of disbelief as it flashed in Dr. Argos’ eyes. It was gone as fast as it had appeared. Lily felt her heart clench, her fingers entwining tightly around each other. Her eyes were drawn to the red lipstick the grief counselor wore as Dr.
Argos’ lips twisted into small smile, and Lily wondered for a second what it would be like to see blood staining the woman’s teeth, Dr. Argos’ own blood.
“If she was that superstitious, then why name you Lilith?”
Lily shook her head. “I stopped trying to understand her when I turned twelve.”
Dr. Argos glanced at the clipboard she had on her lap. “That’s the same age that your father finally came to take you away to the city, correct?” “Yes.” “Was it your choice to come with him or did he force you to?”
“It was my choice. See, me and my grandmother, what we had was complicated.” “Complicated how?” Lily simply stared at Dr. Argos, lips sealed shut and deathly silent until it became evident that she would not open up about the matter. At least, not right now. Dr. Argos simply gave a nod in understanding.
“You say you had a complicated relationship with your grandmother, yet you were the first person she asked for after she fell ill. Why?”
A sharp ache pulled at Lily’s left shoulder blade but it went ignored. She decided to lean back against the armchair, proper posture be damned. “I’m her nearest living relative. Her only daughter is dead and she was an only child as well.”
“And how have you been since her death, Lily?” Dr. Argos’ voice grew quiet, as if she were asking for a secret.
“I... I’m not sure,” Lily answered honestly, licking her lips. “And I think I’d do anything to have her back right now.”