Jokes to keep our sanity
FILIPINOS are known for their terrific sense of humor.
Jokes I got from my friends through the internet have kept my sanity in this time of crisis.
The following are the ones I find hilarious:
I hope the jokes keep your sanity intact as well.
***
People keep asking me, “Is the coronavirus disease 2019 really that serious?”
Listen ye all, the casinos and churches are closed.
When hell and heaven agree on the same thing, it’s pretty serious.
***
The following joke would lose its meaning if translated into English:
Jim Pa r e d e s to Benigno “Noynoy” Aquino 3rd: Boss, anong nangyari sa network ( ABS- CBN) natin?
Noynoy: Shut down. Nags****
*** Manuel Roxas 2nd to Noynoy: Why didn’t you renew the franchise of ABS- CBN Corp.?
Noynoy: I thought you would win the election. I was wrong.
***
MGen. Debold Sinas, asked about his violation of the quarantine law: The law is harsh, but it is my birthday.
*** Breaking News: General Sinas positive!
Results show he’s positive for lumpiang Shanghai, fried chicken, spaghetti, pancit canton and San Mig Light.
***
A handsome young man married a very rich old woman so he could travel around the world. And the quarantine begins.
***
A tycoon, asking a drop-dead gorgeous woman: Have you nerve to stand there and expect me to believe that you don’t want to marry my son for his money?
Woman: It’s true! I want to marry him for YOUR money.
***
First, it was alcohol that may kill the coronavirus. Then, heat may kill it. Now direct sunlight may kill the virus.
So, if you see me outside in my yard drunk, naked and lying in the sun, mind your own business. I’m conducting an important medical experiment.
***
A photo of a handful of middle- aged men in coat and tie running has this caption: “Married men running back to their girlfriends after the lockdown.”
*** Someone ate an apple and we were born. Now someone ate a bat and we’re dying. You see, eating is the problem, not drinking.
***
At last, all women are created equal. There are no longer ugly women. Thanks to the face mask.
***
Here are eight reasons why the elderly are not allowed to go into malls at this time:
– 20- percent discount
– Take a long time to eat – Ask that their food be wrapped to- go because they can’t eat all of it
– Free parking
– Walk slowly
– Sleep in cinema
– Stay in the mall the whole day – Travel to the comfort ( rest) room very often and stay there for long periods
***
Wife to husband: How many women have you slept with?
Husband (proudly): Only you my dear. With all the others I was awake.
*** Imagine surviving all that unprotected sex in the 1970s, 1980s and 1990s, just to die from an unprotected handshake in 2020!
***
Just in: Metro Manila is now under BBQ due to extreme heat.
*** British doctor: In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man’s liver, put it in another man and in six weeks he’s looking for a job.
German doctor: That’s nothing. In Germany, we took part of a brain and in four weeks he is looking for a job.
Russian doctor: Gentlemen, we took half of a heart from a man, put it in another man’s chest and in two weeks he is looking for a job.
American doctor: You are all behind us. A few years ago, we took a man with no brains, no heart and no liver, and made him our president. Now, the whole country is looking for a job.
***
United States President Donald Trump, Queen Elizabeth 2nd and Russian President Vladimir Putin all died and went to hell.
They saw a red phone beside Satan and asked what the phone was for.
The Devil replied that it was for calling back to earth.
Putin asked to call Russia and talked for five minutes. When he finished, the Devil informed him the call cost him $ 1 million, for which the Russian leader wrote a check.
The queen called England and talked for 30 minutes. When she finished, the Devil charged her $6 million, so she wrote him a check.
Finally, Trump got his turn and talked for four hours. When he finished, the Devil charged him only $5.
When Putin and Queen Elizabeth protested the apparent favoritism, the Devil smiled and replied, “Since Trump took over the US, the country has gone to hell, so it was a local call.”
*** Trump wants the White House repainted and asks for quotations from contractors.
A Mexican contractor quoted $ 3 million; American, $ 7 million; and Filipino, $ 10 million.
Trump asks the Mexican, “Why did you quote $ 3 million?” The Mexican replies, “$ 1 million for paint, $ 1 million for labor and $ 1 million for profit.”
He asks the American and here’s his fellow Caucasian’s reply: $3 million for paint, $2 million for labor and $2 million for profit.
Finally, Trump asks the Filipino and the Pinoy replies: “$4 million for you, $3 million for me and we will give $3 million to the Mexican and have him paint for us.” Guess who got the contract?
*** Breaking news: The InterAgency Task Force has allowed seniors to go anywhere they like during the general community quarantine so long as they are accompanied by their parents.
***
Sex workers threaten to make public the lists of their customers if they don’t receive financial support from them.