Two weeks after my New Year’s resolutions

“No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it’s not the same river and he’s not the same man.” — Heraclitus

TWO WEEKS after the revelry, I reviewed my New Year’s resolutions. For I tend to forget what I have written — which could also mean that I have given up trying.

To stand f i rm and remain undaunted by the demands of daily tasks, especially from work and family obligations (that require the checking of attendance), is almost an impossible endeavor.

The past two weeks already tested my perseverance and consistency, as well as my judgment values. To be acutely aware of the inner tensions, of the relentless attack of the old self, could be sometimes frustrating.

Is it really possible for a person to reinvent himself?

At a certain age, we have already become the residual outcome of our past thoughts and actions. Despite the willingness to change for the better, to achieve new goals, to become better in big and small ways, we have become accustomed ( unconsciously) to repeating our same old patterns. Bad habits would persist, and disappointments would overwhelm us.

And so, I explored this experiential cycle with these insights:

1. Maybe this is really my identity. But what if this is just an alibi? To explain myself to myself may have been a self-defeating habit of justifying my mediocrity.

“I can’t help it. This is who I am.” When I hear these words from others, I would become judgmental. They have given up on t he opportunity that they can change. They have denied themselves of the very solution to their own problem.

But I realized I’m also guilty of this weakness of will. The difficulty of trying to become a new person— to develop new habits and better routines—is so hard that maybe I’m just fooling myself.

2. I think I should be more considerate.

But what if my conformity or agreeableness is just my way of avoiding responsibilities?

We live and work with others. Some of us could be in a dilemma: how to be a team player without l osing our i ndependence, our identity. It would even become more challenging if there are factions.

When it comes to group activities or family gatherings, my initial reaction is irritation. If given the choice, I would rather not attend. I know that there is something wrong with this for a tinge of guilt would touch my heart. But this has been my personality. And although I want to change it, it seems that my selfishness is just too stubborn to comply.

To whom should I be more sincere? How do I balance my own priorities vis-à-vis my obligations to others?

Must I always assert my opinion even if it can offend people?

3. I love a peaceful and quiet environment — a place where the only movement in the surrounding is my own motions of simple living.

But what if behind this “simple living” of mine is just simple laziness?

I would sometimes conclude that the rush towards success is a modern concept of man’s ego. Everything must be big, grand, awesome, and viral. Life has become a death-defying stunt for validation, recognition, and awards.

A successful — and happy — life has to be noisy and celebratory. Emptiness — and contentment — has become a never-ending cycle of wants and needs.

At times, I would dream of living in a place where nobody knows me, away from the hustle and bustle of modernity. However, I also spend hours on social media knowing that I could have spent the time improving my skills or interacting with people. And so, here I am. New year, same me.

If life is a river, maybe Heraclitus got it wrong. Or I’m just blinded — or ungrateful — of the blessings I have received./