Hide and seek
Michelle: Have you ever hidden something from your partner about your past (or present)? Or have you ever been stunned with a secret from your partner? Even the closest and sweetest couples sometimes hide things from each other.
To most of us, the secret to end all secrets (and many relationships or marriages, for that matter) is an affair— and no one will argue with the devastating consequences of infidelity. Yet even “small” deceptions can rock a relationship. It can be difficult to draw the line between what’s harmless and what’s not.
DJ: Yes, I have and I will continue to keep certain things just to myself. To a certain extent I must agree that giving a portion of what we don’t normally share with others can strengthen a relationship. But there are things too that are best left unsaid. Examples? The gory details of what really broke a previous relationship. Or the answer to an almost absurd question—whether we still find our ex attractive. There is no right answer to a wrong question. We keep things not necessarily because they’re crappy but also because we know at times we say it best when we say nothing at all.
M: I read that keeping a secret is often about protection. A secret can be an attempt to shield oneself, by hiding something you don’t want your partner to see or it can be about shielding him from an unnecessary worry or fear. A little mystery can be sexy. But how to tell what can stay safely tucked away and what calls for a confession?
We all want our relationships to be grounded on mutual trust. There are certain issues which require full disclosure. This would include anything from the past that has effect in the present and anything in the present that could affect the future (a health scare, for example, or debts).
DJ: To tell or not to tell is often a question. A good discernment is still the key. Being completely honest does not mean a person has to tell his or her partner everything in big, heaping servings.
Like everything else in this world, there’s a limit to what our senses can take in. The rule of thumb is if a person wants to ask a question and she has an expected answer to that question, don’t ask. Cliché or not, there really is an uncommon wisdom with this common theory—what we do not know won’t hurt us.
M: As they say ignorance is bliss but personally I don’t believe that crap. As many couples find out too late, when they keep a secret that profoundly affects their family, they face a double whammy when the secret eventually—or inevitably—comes out.
When confronted with such a big, sudden revelation, it’s natural to think: “Why didn’t you tell me?” But there are allegedly some reasons why men, in particular, keep secrets. This includes hoping that silence will help them avoid a fight or a constantly nagging girlfriend or wife!
DJ: Yup, when we foresee that what we’re about to say is something that will result to some kicking and screaming or will make her start acting like she has rabies, we’d rather not.
This is not to pass the buck to anyone but at times, a woman’s readiness level and her threshold for the truth are definitely big time considerations. But, if there’s any way your partner might accidentally learn your secret, it’s better that you do the telling first. The truth will set you free.