Insecurities

Everyone has insecurities. Some are insecure about their looks. Some are insecure about their wealth. I’m insecure about my intelligence. I always have been. I’ve always needed constant reassurance that I’m smart—that I’m smart enough.

I come from a family of magna cum laudes, summa cum laudes and topnotchers. All my life, I’ve always questioned whether I was ever smart enough to even be part of this family. Did I belong? Was I one of them? Why do I feel like an outsider in my own family? Why do I feel like an outsider when we share the same blood?

My uncle went to an Ivy League school, which I don’t know if you know, is composed of seven of the best schools in the East Coast of the United States. He placed 3rd on the boards for law and 7th for accounting. I’ve never aspired to reach the level that he is in. But I’d like to think I could if I had taken the same path he did. But things along the way make me question whether these thoughts are realistic or just dreams.

I’m not going to be a doctor, a lawyer, an architect, or an engineer. I took Music Production and dropped out. Started flying classes, and never started actually flying. Somewhere deep in my heart, I know I’m smart. I believe it. But I can never stop thinking of the possibility that what if this

“belief” is just my imagination. Something I’ve made myself believe. The truth that I’m not anything special. That I’m a normal person with a normal brain.

There’s a possibility for everything. Even when something seems 99% impossible, there’s that 1% hanging on that’s yelling “I’m possible.” I believe I’m capable of doing everything I want. I believe I’m smart enough. But that 1% is my insecurity yelling from the top of it’s lungs. That 1% is questioning. That 1% is doubting. The older I became, the more my insecurity about my intelligence grew. It unfortunately grew with me. I would love to forget all about it, and believe that I’m enough and always have been. I wish I could move past the idea that I’m just not smart enough. But I can’t.

Other people are insecure about their beauty, their weight, their social status. Nothing’s wrong with that. Everyone is insecure about something. I just hope that one day, my insecurities will stop growing with me, and start growing out of me.