Ugly people, unite
What do you do when you don’t have a girlfriend because you’re not Brad Pitt? 1) Curse your parents for the ugly genes 2) Save money for cosmetic surgery 3) Organize a group that promotes the rights of ugly people.
The first answer is anti-family, unfair to your parents who believe you’re the most beautiful monkey in the world. The second is expensive and vain, not to mention unfair again to your parents because it’s confirming they have monkey genes.
The third answer is the bomb. It’s not bitter. It’s not vain. Instead, organizing a group that champions the cause of ugly people converts your ugly energies into something that actually benefits society.
This is what a group in Japan called Kakuhido is doing. At first I thought it’s a Japanese noodle house.
“Have you heard of Kakuhido?” a friend asked me last week. “Yes, ahmmm, they serve the best ramen in the world.”
“No, it’s an organization of ugly people in Japan,” my friend said. “That’s what I said, the Japanese are turning ugly people into spicy ram... What?” I said, shocked.
Kakuhido is translated as “Revolutionary Alliance of Men that Women Find Unattractive,” my friend said. “Seriously?” I said. My friend said he’s not joking, and proceeded to giving me some quick facts.
The group was founded in 2006 by Katsuhiro Furusawa, a young man who turned to Karl Marx after he was dumped by his girlfriend. His readings on the “Communist Manifesto” led him to conclude that being unattractive to girls is an issue of class struggle.
Inspired by Marx’s “Workers of the world, unite!” Furusawa rallied like-minded, and likefaced, individuals behind the slogan, “Ugly people of the world, unite!” and narrowed down the socialist fight against capitalism to a fight against “love capitalism.”
Those chocolates and roses you give to each other, that’s love capitalism. You bury each other in love merchandise while flower and cacao farmers suffer under cruel labor conditions and have barely something to eat which makes them so ugly nobody loves them anymore.
Last week, Kakuhido members took their protest to the streets of Japan, carrying “Smash Valentine’s Day” and “Public Smooching is Terrorism!” banners.
Yes, kissing in public and other open displays of affection are acts of terrorism because they hurt the feelings of ugly people who have no one to kiss but themselves in the mirror.
“Read this,” my friend said, showing me what Takayuki Akimoto, Kakuhido public relations chief, told AFP in an interview: “It’s a conspiracy by people who think unattractive guys are inferior, or losers — like cuddling in public, it makes us feel bad. It’s unforgivable.”
My God, this is revolutionary, I said. I fought back tears thinking of the Kakuhido chapter I’m going to start in Cebu. I don’t hate my parents for their genes, but I hate Brad Pitt because I’m not him. “Count me in,” my friend said. We looked each other in the eye to seal our commitment. “You’re ugly,” he said. “You’re ugly, too,” I said. And we walked out to the street, two ugly comrades in arms in search for ramen. (@ Insoymada)