LELANI P. ECHAVES:
Friends have taken note of her lack of activity at the social network site Facebook. And so after three months of lying low, Echaves returned a week ago only to read about fights from every corner on even the most petty issues. And so she has postponed her return and diverted her time to scholars’ professional articles but these, too, have not been immune to reactions that range from the personal to the hysterical.
“What have you been doing? You no longer on Facebook?” It’s a common comment from friends. Still am; so is my account. Just that for about three months now, I had a lot on my plate. Then when I attempted to resurface a week ago, I saw Facebook fights from various corners on even the most petty issues. It was best to postpone the return to when the world was not too toxic.
So I diverted time to scholars’ professional articles, only to stumble on comments laced with toxin as well. One researcher, in fact, deactivated her account until she finished her research on campus assault.
She noticed that reactions ranged from the personal to the hysterical. One blamed the victims for inappropriate or provocative dressing. Another asked if she was having a mid-life crisis, or developing a hatred for men.
Still others launched into pick-up lines, asking if they could have sit-down chats with her to play devil’s advocate.
I myself have noticed even the most calm ladies reduced being at loggerheads with others on FB, even with strangers who not only saunter into conversations but also rant about others’ comments.
I’ve always found it better that when the comments turn irritable, I just disengage from following the thread and go fly to greener terrains.
However, if we wish to stay online despite the heated arguments, then it’s good to profit from friends’ survival tips.
One is to respect the others’ intelligence. Online arguments sometime start with one playing elitist about how they analyze things is his kind of school. This approach never works because the other party could just dig his heels in.
A better approach is to elevate the exchange into an intellectual discussion, not an intellectual showdown.
Others prefer the play-the-long-game approach. While discussions tend to initiate the need, sometimes irrational, to change the other’s mind, resist. A mind convinced against his will is of the same opinion still.
Instead, if you find an article on the same issue, you could share the link and just politely say, “About our conversation (not debate) last time, you might find this interesting.” Sweet and simple, with no footnotes of “I was right; read this.” Otherwise, the FB war will extend beyond online boundaries.
I’ve learned a friend’s way of gently ending a discussion on contentious issues. Whenever we found ourselves 180 degrees diametrically opposed about how another friend should have decided on an issue, she’d just say “Aw, iya sad na.”
This was always a calming statement, and reminded me that decisions are made from one’s own perspectives. I’ve learned to use this approach and have realized that it never dented friendships.
Other times, one can ask you about your stand and you’re too tired to respond, or you know how he or she can be riled up by opposing thoughts. One approach is to just say it’s a topic you prefer not to comment on until you’ve researched on it well enough.
In the end, it is always better to pick your wars instead of obsessing on winning every battle.