How man fell. The Duterte version

IN making that controversial “God is stupid” remark in a June 22 speech, President Duterte was not very precise in retelling the Bible’s second story of creation. But then few Catholics who read it do not take liberties with the Bible.

Duterte, an ex-Catholic, told his audience, “So God was lonely, so he created paradise...” God had already created the garden of Eden “for man to cultivate and care for.” And it was not God who was lonely. The Lord said, “It was not good for man to be alone. I will make a suitable partner for him.” Duterte then said, “But God doubted his creation so he tested it. He called a snake and told it to give an apple to Eve. Eve took (some of the fruit) and ate it and gave (the rest) to Adam who ate it...”

Nothing in Genesis (3:1-7) says about God doubting Adam and instructing a snake to tempt Eve to eat the forbidden fruit. The serpent is mentioned as the “most cunning of all the animals” that God made but the Bible’s account doesn’t say the snake was ordered by God or sent by the devil to pitch for the no-no fruit. And it’s not an apple: the book says the “tree of life” or “tree of the knowledge of good and evil.”

Catholic defenders at Fort San Pedro plaza in Cebu City can tear apart the president’s version of “The Fall of Man” -and his anti-Chatholic-God name-calling.

Imperfect woman

Duterte revised the story of creation but his changes didn’t affect the point he pushed: the “God of Catholics” is “stupid” for ruining the perfection of what He created. One stand-up comedian also had a purpose when he told this tale:

“I’m lonely,” Adam told God in the Garden of Eden. The man apparently was bored with the birds and other animals in his garden. “OK,” said God, “I’ll give you the perfect companion. Intelligent, gracious and hot. The woman will cook for you and wash off the dirt from your fig leaves and loincloths.”

“Awesome,” said Adam, “but what’s she going to cost?” “An arm and a leg,” said God. “That’s pretty steep,” replied Adam. “What can I get for a rib?”

So one rib was the tab. Which explains why even in creating woman, the perfection Duterte would’ve preferred didn’t happen.

‘Idiots’ in Last Supper

The president also wondered why God made them saints, those apostles at the Last Supper: “Who are those idiots at the Last Supper? Maski sino na lang ginawang santos just because they were in the painting.”

Catechism teachers tell us that those at the table were God’s disciples who joined the last meal before He was crucified. The scriptural origin of the communion, the ritual of the Eucharist

highlights the significance of bread and wine in the sacrament.

Were the apostles idiots?

When a sketch artist who must have recorded the event said, “Everyone who wants to be in the picture, get on this side of the table,” there was a quiet rush to that area. Thus, in Da Vinci’s Last Supper, they all accordingly immortalized.

Drinks with the guys

Here’s one story that Duterte might use in one of his speeches:

While the Lord’s apostles were seated at Last Supper, Judas whispered to one of his colleague.

-- “You tell the guys that after this bread-and-wine thing, I’m good for two or three rounds at the village pub.” -- “You have money?” -- “Before the night is over, I will have 30 pieces of silver.” -- “For doing what?” -- “For kissing someone.”