Living for the Moment
Coping with the death of a spouse can be devastating; but Ling Ling King does it with inspiring grace and amazing strength. She talks to Chit L Lijauco about life with Archie, and after
Ling Ling King is the epitome of resilience as she touches on life before and after her husband’s tragic death
There is probably a lot to be learnt from Ling Ling King’s attitude in life: carpe diem, seize the day. “I live for the moment,” the widow of businessman Archie King says—even if living the moment means going through what she defines as, “the indescribable pain of emptiness.” Two years ago, her husband of 17 years was abruptly taken away from her in a helicopter crash. Since that rainy afternoon of 5 July 2015, the young widow struggled with the loss of her soulmate, the love of her life, her constant companion and closest friend, her travelling buddy, her partner in a fit and healthy lifestyle—her everything.
“I have never stopped crying. I’d wake up from sleep and I’d cry. In the shower I’d cry,” she says. “But after I cry, I’d feel better.” To cope, she draws from her inner strength in facing each day at a time. Ling Ling is a small, dainty woman whose dress size is doublezero. For her to exhibit steely strength does not seem to be a match. But such is the case, incongruous as it may be.
After the accident, well-meaning cousins gave her a relaxant to help her sleep. The side effect, however, was waking up groggy. “After a week I told myself, this is not me. This is not my life. I have been avoiding this. Popping a pill is just not my style,” Ling Ling says. But then again, she knew that sleep was vital to her well-being, so she grabbed Archie’s rosary and clutched it to sleep instead.
“Right now, what works is travel,” she reveals. After the 40th day of Archie’s death, Ling Ling flew to the United States with a friend. “And I have not stopped travelling since then.”
The long haul was fine, but on a small plane en route to Idaho, the flight was choppy and she felt the onset of a panic attack. After all, she was still traumatised over that tragic helicopter ride with Archie. “But then I said to myself, ‘What will happen if you scream in panic? You will just create a lot of commotion. Relax! Just think, if you die now you will be with Archie!’” she relates. She also bought a house in Queenstown, a quaint resort town in New Zealand’s South Island she calls her “place of solace,” and has been spending a lot of time there. Just before this interview, for instance, she was in Queenstown for three weeks, and another three months last year. “I love it there!” Ling Ling says. “I do everything by myself; I have no household help to do the chores, not even a chauffeur to drive me around. And I love it!”
Ling Ling knows very well the reason why travel alleviates the sadness. “Because it takes me out of this house,” she admits.
A PLACE CALLED HOME
A giant mango tree, with fruit-laden branches shading a good part of the huge lawn, lords it over the lush vegetation surrounding the place that Ling Ling calls home. She has been living here with Archie and his two children, Atticus and Angie, since they got married in 1998; and then, just by the two of them when the boys graduated from college and were given their own condo units by their father.
“I still feel his presence in this house because we have been together here for such a long time. And then I would realise, oh no, he is not here anymore. ‘ Yun ang pinakamasakit [ That is the most painful feeling]!”
They did not have children of their own; the two boys, it seemed, were enough to complete them as a family. The children have always been close to Ling Ling, growing up knowing her as their Mum. This afternoon, Atticus drops by to ask Mum for dark chocolate for his wife, who is currently in labour. Ling Ling pauses the interview to attend to Atticus’ request. She gives the same love and attention to Angie (formerly Ian, before he transitioned). “He opened up to Archie and I long ago but said that he would not come out while his father was alive. When Archie died, Angie first went to me to say that he really wanted to do it already. I told him to go ahead, and that I embrace and support his life-changing decision,” Ling Ling says.
She has chosen to stay in this house even after Archie’s death. “We have been together for such a long time here that I am still so attached to our home. I have so many happy memories with Archie here, memories I would like to keep forever. You cannot put a price on attachment,” she explains.
And yet, this attachment is also the cause of her greatest pain today. When Archie was alive, he would be the first person Ling Ling would look for to share her day with. Today, she still feels that need to talk to him about how her day went, what thoughts are going through her mind, anything under the sun. “I still feel his presence in this house because we have been together here for such a long time. And then I would realise, oh no, he is not here anymore. ‘ Yun ang pinakamasakit [That is the most painful feeling]!”
Ling Ling and Archie were like two peas in a pod. They shared an athletic and healthy lifestyle, enjoyed travelling and sailing on their yacht named Archangel (coined from their given names: Archimedes and Angeles). Quiet evenings spent reading, listening to music, or watching home movies used to be the norm. According to Ling Ling, they never fought. Neither were they ever jealous of each other (“We never gave each other a reason to be”) and they did not have to exert any effort for their relationship to work. Clearly, they were a perfect match. But it was not always like that.
Ling Ling met Archie when she was just 23. The 10-year gap, as well as the fact that she found him “too quiet,” led to their separation. Seven years passed and they reconnected. He learnt that she had just broken her toe from her physical training and told her, “Let me take care of you this weekend.” But he was taken aback when he came to collect her. “When I first dated him, I was a sweet young thing with long hair, having just finished a shampoo commercial,” Ling Ling remembers. “When we met again I was so dark and muscular with short hair because I was deep into triathlon training.” Ling Ling thinks she saw a hint of disappointment in Archie then, but they still went out that weekend. This was followed by more dates. Two months later, Archie asked
“My friends all had wishes for the future; I did not. I would always pray for contentment, not happiness. you will never be happy if you are not contented”
Ling Ling to quit her job as a flight attendant. “The only way that we will find out if we will click is if we live together,” she still remembers his words. At first she was scared. “To quit my job for a relationship I do not even know will work is a big risk,” she explains. In the end, Ling Ling followed her heart and another two years later, they were married.
On quite a number of occasions, friends have told Ling Ling that Archie shared with them that what he loves about her is her “simplicity” and her being “so natural.” He used to say, “With Ling Ling, what you see is what you get. I have not seen that in many women.” Ironically, he never told her what he told other people.
OF PRAYERS AND MESSAGES
Ling Ling was born Ma Angeles Red Urrutia, the third of six children of a Basque mestizo from Manila and a lass from Calauag, Quezon. “Papa had to move to Quezon because of the war,” Ling Ling says. Originally nicknamed Angeling, she started schooling in the province but eventually moved to the city. “I had a happy childhood,” she says, remembering a very loving father who was not afraid or embarrassed to show his emotions. Perhaps because of this happy and stable background, Ling Ling grew up confident and contented.
“My friends all had wishes for the future; I did not. I would always pray for contentment, not happiness. You will never be happy if you are not contented,” she says.
At 17, she already knew what she wanted. “I wanted to work out and develop a muscular body. Not sexy or voluptuous but fit, lean, and muscular. I wanted a body like Madonna,” she says. So she started working out a lot. She swam, ran, biked, played all the ball sports, and trained for the triathlon. “I cannot see myself in just one sport,” she explains. When she became a flight attendant, she did not lessen her physical activities. “I would be running anywhere, even in Paris, or swimming in the hotel pool,” she recalls. This was a perfect life: training, flying, and doing commercials in between. There was nothing more she wanted out of life.
And then she had Archie, the love of her life, who gave her almost 20 years of unexpected, unbelievable happiness. But this was taken away from her. “I thought we would grow old together and die together,” she says, remembering the words she would always tell him because of his penchant for fast cars and their frequent travels. “Sweetheart, if something happens to both of us, promise me, make sure that we will go together. Wherever you go, I will go with you. If we are going to get into an accident together, I will die with you.”
They did figure in an accident together, but she got left behind.
Ling Ling herself will be the first to admit that she talks a lot. She remembers with fondness an evening with Archie very early in their marriage. “We were lying down in bed and I was talking away. Then Archie
“You really cannot predict what will happen so what is the point in planning?” she says. “I just want to live for the moment because this moment will not be taken away from me.”
said, ‘Sweetie, I did not realise that you are so talkative.’ I answered, ‘Too bad. I have no intentions of changing!’ To which he replied, ‘Oh no! I’m doomed!’”
There is, however, one topic that will instantly shush her up: the accident. “I still find it hard to talk about it,” she apologises, requesting that she be spared of retelling the details. When the conversation veers to that fateful moment, however, she unintentionally starts to share some memories. “I was telling him, ‘Wake up! Don’t sleep!’ I will get you out of here. But why can I not move my right arm?’” And then she clams up and simply says, “It is so heavy.”
She goes back to the happy memories, three of which Archie gave her after his death.
“On the third night, I had a dream. I was at the computer and he was walking towards me. He was so happy to see me. He sat me up on the table and handed me his Manila Polo Club membership card. ‘Here this is for you,’ he said.
“On the fourth night, I dreamt I was walking in a cemetery and the tombs were opening as I was passing. It was scary so I simply focused forward. I saw this tomb glowing in gold. Then two guys opened it and a white dove flew out of it.
“On the fifth day, I really felt his presence, not just in a dream. I was alone in bed around four in the morning. My friend who had been keeping me company had to fly back home on an emergency. I was lying down and crying when I felt somebody lie down beside me. I could still see him perfectly now. I hugged him. ‘Sweetheart, how is it in heaven?’ I asked. He looked at me with a lonely look, like telling me ‘I am sorry I had to leave you but it is beautiful up there.’”
Ling Ling knew these were messages from Archie but it took a while before she understood what he was trying to tell her: that there is nothing for her to worry about as he had taken care of her needs; that it is time to let him go and not keep his urn in her bedroom as she initially planned; and that she should not worry because he is in heaven.
QUO VADIS
The accident all the more buttressed Ling Ling’s belief of living for the moment. “You really cannot predict what will happen so what is the point in planning?” she says. “I just want to live for the moment because this moment will not be taken away from me.”
She knows she can also afford not to plan because she is economically independent, and for this she is quite thankful. But this has led her to want to continue Archie’s legacy in philanthropy. “I do not have everything in place yet, just ideas; but once I’m ready, I will share with those in need what Archie has likewise shared with me,” she says.
If she does not plan, Ling Ling knows that God has one for her and welcomes this with excitement and anticipation. “Let Your plan unfold before my eyes,” she constantly prays.
Today, life is all about travelling the world, enjoying a new home in Queenstown, still sailing on the Archangel, and enjoying aloneness. Life is about staying in this home of theirs, although a place in Rockwell is currently being built as a place to consider moving into one of these years. Life is about being a mother to Atticus and Angie and keeping the name Mrs King. “But who knows?” she says. “I might meet somebody someday!”