Raising a Well-Loved Child
Raising a child in an overly loving way could turn out to be not good for the child. Which is, sadly, the tendency of most parents. In the same manner that a plant shielded from the rays of the sun may not grow well, a child that is shielded from the hard
This is the central point that Abbi Perets points out in an article at www.sheknows.com. In fact, she writes, some parents really go overboard – to the point of tolerating being ‘abused’ by their kids. The kids ask for things as if their parents own a whole department store. And the parents lovingly get the kids spoiled.
Yes, giving the kids anything they ask for in a click gives the young ones the false idea that it’s how it is in life. Instant gratification is addictive. Thus, it will eventually disappoint the kids to come to realize that they will have to earn whatever they want from life. And since the ‘over-loved’ kids will not have the chance to develop the virtue of patience, such disappointment may result in problematic behavior.
Perets gives an example: One day, the mother has her toddler poop in the potty for the first time. Delighted, she sets out to the store to reward her little one with a gift. A year later, mommy celebrates the first book her child reads aloud with another present. In grade school, good behavior and good performance at class tests again seem like good reasons to give the child a gift. And so the child comes to expect that every little ‘achievement’ warrants a reward – and that can be a pressure on the parents, aside from the fact that they can be raising a brat.
For parents who are going on this road that she describes, Perets advises:
Recognize your role. If you think your child developed a case of the “gimmes” completely on her own, well, wake up. It’s time to take a good, long look in the mirror and admit your own role in this adventure. You are at least partly culpable.
So now that you’re in this mess, it’s time to start getting out. And you can, by committing to be your child’s parent – not her friend. She doesn’t have to like you all the time. And she will not actually stop loving you if you refuse to buy her candy, the latest princess movie, clothes from the coolest store, or whatever she’s clamoring for at the moment.
Keep your cool in the
heat of the moment. The first time you deny a request, your child will be stunned. Tantrums have always worked for her in the past, so that’s what she’ll do. “I hate you! You’re the worst mom ever!” Get used to it, because this is only the beginning.
You will meet the nineyear-old who goes on hunger strikes to protest not having a cell phone. You will become intimately familiar with the child who willingly accepts detention rather than do her homework without benefit of the latest laptop. You will hear sarcasm and hatred spew from the lips you once traced in awe, and you may even cry yourself to sleep for a night or two. But you will get through this, and you will do it with one simple phrase: “No, and that’s the end of the discussion.”
Stick to your guns. Here’s the catch: You have to mean it. No matter what your child says or does, you cannot allow yourself to engage in a discussion about the thing in question.
When your child threatens to leave her lunch at home unless you comply with her demands, you need to stand fast. “Your skipping lunch doesn’t actually affect me,” you can say, and you need to mean it. No matter what she says when she calls from school at lunchtime, you need to stick to your guns. Unless your child has Type 1 diabetes, she’d still be okay after skipping a meal.
That does not mean that you ignore the insults hurled your way. Not at all. You simply find your quiet spot in your head, recite Psalms or whatever you need, and quietly go about eliminating privileges and tangible objects from your child’s life. So while dear Sweetie screams, you simply say, “That’s TV. That’s the phone. That’s the birthday party on Saturday. That’s your hairdryer.” When you name an object, go get it and put it away – in a highly visible spot – immediately.
After the meltdown... Later, when things are calmer, you can tell your child how she can earn things back, one at a time: “If you can get through the rest of the day without raising your voice or calling me names, you can check your email tomorrow after school.” She won’t like these rules, and she’ll make her displeasure known. Again, you must remember that you are the parent, not the friend.
You also must be careful not to undo your hard work. So you can’t say, “Okay, you can go to the party on Saturday if you promise you’ll do X, Y and Z afterwards.” First comes the change in attitude, and then comes the privilege, in moderation.
Perets’ ideas, of course, aren’t supposed to produce immediate results, but it will work in time, positively. After a month, at the soonest, the parents are likely to start seeing beautiful results in the child’s behavior. And they will begin to realize that a well-loved child doesn’t need to be a spoiled child.