"Parent-Shaming"
How It Effects Parents and Their Kids
When one’s actions get questioned or disapproved of, the natural reaction is to become defensive. But defending oneself may only be the outward side of it. Deep inside the criticized person may begin to feel uncertain, even guilty, of his actions – or of himself.
This is very much true with parenthood. When a parent, naturally acting out of parental love, is criticized for his parental style, certain changes may come about. And there’s no guarantee that the changes will actually be good for the child.
Recently there’s been quite much talk about “parent-shaming.” The loose definition of the term would be “the act of criticizing parents – even to the point of calling authorities – for actions that meant and caused no real harm.” The social media has lent more power to the act.
Amy Morin, in an article at www.inc.com, explains: “Take Facebook, for example. Share a picture of your child eating a burger at his favorite restaurant and someone might be quick to say, ‘I’d never let my child consume that many calories in one sitting.’ Or post a picture of your child enjoying a day at the beach and someone might be quick to remind you, ‘Too much sun exposure is bad for kids.’”
Too many people today, encouraged by handy technology, are quick to give an opinion, even pass judgment, on anything, based only on sketchy information. A single picture posted on social media does not fully reflect what kind of parent one is. Negative remarks hardly inspire positive change; instead, these may only tear down the subject of the remarks.
But why does a parent criticize another? What benefit does the critic get? Morin thinks the motivation for the ‘shamer’ may be to temporarily feel better. When a person points to the flaw of another, his attention is distracted from his own.
Mercedes Samudio, at the website www.youtango. com, agrees with Morin on the “feel good” motivation of ‘parent-shamers’. She writes that sometimes what may appear like a negative remark is actually an expression of fear for the child’s safety. Well, yes, she also thinks that many times it comes out of the ‘shamer’s’ insecurity about his own parental style or, on the contrary, from the ‘shamer’s’ self-conceit.
Parent-shaming can take its toll on both the parents and their kids, Morin writes. When gossip goes around about, say, a celebrity mom who didn’t bounce back to her pre-pregnancy weight or whether a certain accident involving a child constitutes neglect on the part of the parents, the subject parents’ childrearing is criticized. The hateful comments incite fear in parents who don’t want to be perceived as bad parents and thus influence the way parents are raising their kids today – in effect, also affecting the kids.
Morin cites three ways in which parent-shaming can negatively affect kids:
Parents refuse to let their kids fail. Parents fear their child’s forgotten soccer cleats or botched homework assignments will make them look like bad parents. So they rescue their kids from failure and prevent the little ones from making mistakes.
In the end, kids are losing out on the valuable life
lessons and mental strength they can gain from failure. And if they don’t learn how to bounce back from failure when they’re young, they’ll struggle to deal with failure as an adult.
Parents try to hide their mistakes. No one wants to be on the receiving end of harsh criticism and judgment. So in an effort to avoid unsolicited advice, parents go to great lengths to hide their parenting ‘flaws’. Rather than a mistake exposed and corrected or the parents gaining support from others when they own up to something they regret, the mistake is secretly alive and continues to haunt the erring parent. And secrecy can lead to bigger mistakes.
Parents lose sight of their values. Some parents are changing their parenting habits in an effort to accede to their critics and not look like they’re bad parents. They give in to whining and tantrums in public because they’re afraid stopping a child’s misbehavior will make them look bad.
When parents get so caught up in trying to look like a perfect family on social media, they may forget addressing their real-life issues. And kids are the ones who will suffer the long-term consequences.
When guided by pure parental love, parents can hardly go wrong in raising their kids. Different parents may have different ways to help kids grow up to become the best version of themselves, to become responsible adults. Which parents can say with absolute authority which is the right way or wrong way of parenthood?