Ten Guidelines for Those Hesitant to Reconcile
Those who have been seriously and repeatedly hurt rightfully feel hesitant about reconciling with their offenders. When your offender is genuinely repentant, however, it’s important to be open to the possibility of reconciliation, unless there is a clear sign that the guy is only faking it. Jesus spoke about reconciliation with a sense of urgency. If you are hesitant to reconcile, work through these ten guidelines:
1. Be honest about your motives.
Make sure your desire is to do what pleases God and not to get revenge. Settle the matter of forgiveness (as Joseph did) in the context of your relationship with God. Guidelines for reconciliation should not be retaliatory.
2. Be humble in your attitude.
Do not let pride ruin everything. Renounce all vengeful attitudes toward your offender. We are not, for example, to demand that a person earn our forgiveness. The issue is not earning forgiveness but working toward true reconciliation. This demands humility. Those who focus on retaliation and revenge have allowed self-serving pride to control them.
3. Be prayerful about the one who hurt you.
Jesus taught his disciples to pray for those who mistreat them. It is amazing how our attitude toward another person can change when we pray for him. Pray also for strength to follow through with reconciliation.
4. Be willing to admit ways you might have contributed to the problem.
As Ken Sande writes: “Even if you did not start the dispute, your lack of understanding, careless words, impatience, or failure to respond in a loving manner may have aggravated the situation. When this happens, it is easy to behave as though the other person’s sins more than cancel yours, which leaves you with a self-righteous attitude that can retard forgiveness. The best way to overcome this tendency is to prayerfully examine your role in the conflict and then write down everything you have done or failed to do that may have been a factor.”