5.

Conflict is something we often think of as negative. It brings to mind arguing and anger. In reality, conflict is a normal part of life. It occurs when there are different points of view and different opinions on how things should be done. It’s impossible to go through life without experiencing conflict – in families, friendships, the workplace, politics… basically in every area of life. The important thing is how we handle and resolve our differences.

The first place our children experience conflict, not surprisingly, is at home. The skills you teach your child in resolving conflicts will be what they will use at school, with peers, and throughout their lives. We never stop learning and developing skills, but childhood is the place where the foundation begins. up arguing about how I never do anything for my child?!” When you find your child – or yourself – going off on a tangent, bring the focus back to the issue at hand by simply stating, “Let’s stay focused on the subject, which is (fill in the blank).” Think of it as resolving, not winning. Fights are ‘won’, conflict is ‘resolved’. Resolving a conflict doesn’t necessarily mean you will be right or wrong. It may mean agreeing to disagree, depending on the issue. Also, help your child recognize that resolving conflict doesn’t mean he or she will get what they want. It might mean understanding that sometimes rules are rules and that’s just the way it is.

If your daughter’s curfew is midnight and she wants to stay out until 2 a.m., conflict resolution doesn’t necessarily mean you give in and let her stay out late. It may mean you compromise and allow her to stay out half an hour more. Or it may mean, as her parent, you decide midnight is late enough. That’s how it is in life. I might think the speed limit should be 90 miles per hour (not really, but for the sake of argument), but the police officer who pulls me over will likely believe the speed limit should be the legally posted 55 mph. The officer will not stand and fight or argue with me, trying to win and make me understand his point of view. We will need to agree to disagree. The conflict resolution: I’ll have a ticket to pay.

Make conflicts with your child a ‘teachable moment’. Whenever conflict arises with your child, it’s an opportunity to teach him skills. Remember your intention: to arm your child with skills he can use not just at home, but with others, whenever he encounters conflict. When you stand and argue or fight, he is learning that the nature of conflict is negative and charged with emotion, often ending in hurt feelings and resentment. He’s learning that the point is to win. But in order to be successful in life, he will have to approach things differently and work to resolve conflicts instead of win every fight – if he wants to keep a marriage, a job or friendships. Strengthen your own conflict resolution skills. Take some time to examine your own habits when it comes to dealing with conflict. We all have things we fall back on, usually what we learned in childhood. It may be yelling, giving in to others to avoid feeling uncomfortable or anxious, digging in and refusing to see another point of view, overreacting or personalizing someone else being upset. Strengthen your own positive conflict resolution skills so you can help your child develop them as

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well. Sometimes parents expect their kids to use skills they don’t practice themselves, without even realizing it. Avoid the trap of “Do as I say, not as I do!”

The most significant tool parents have in impacting their child is the parents’ own behavior; it’s the only thing they have complete control over. No child can make his parents stand and argue with him. It may feel that way, but parents shall think twice before handing over that kind of power. Parents who have spent years arguing with their child might feel like they’re in a hopeless situation. Even if there’s been a pattern of hurtful fighting in the home in the past, it’s never too late to make changes. Even yesterday – just one day ago – is in the past now. As the saying goes, “Life always offers you a second chance. It’s called tomorrow.”