Other People’s Quarrel

Quarrels are a common social reality. People quarrel for one reason or the other. Even friends and family members quarrel. Some even take it as a test of a relationship – for instance, when quarreling friends or kinfolk are eventually able to rise over their differences, their relationship can come out stronger.

The bitterest quarrels are often those between close relations, either close friends or close family. It is bad enough when we get into a quarrel ourselves – worse when we are either dragged or tempted into partaking in other people’s quarrel.

When a friend is in a quarrel with a stranger, it is easy for us to decide whose side to take. But when the quarreling parties are both our friends – and, worse, siblings – it is a crucial judgment call for us. We may be tempted to meddle. Yet, notwithstanding the sincerity of our intention to help resolve our friends’ dispute, we run the high risk of losing one or both of them in the process.

I learned my lesson on this. Brothers Rex and Rey (not their real names) were both my friends. We had always enjoyed good conversations together, the three of us. Then they clashed over a family matter.

They were not in talking terms anymore, although I was still talking to them both, albeit separately. Much as I tried to avoid getting myself involved in the brothers’ conflict, the issue would come up every now then in my conversations with either of them. I struggled not to be swayed to either side, trying to maintain my good relations with both of them.

By and by, however, my sympathy slowly swayed to Rey, who had more time for talk with me. Rex was always away on short business trips, so we had rare times together. Without my knowing it, my bias towards Rey was beginning to show. I was soon avoiding Rex, so all the more I was not hearing his side of the story. Rex noticed my developing distance and started avoiding me in return.

Really wanting to be of help, I took moves to mediate for the brothers’ reconciliation. However, every time I talked to Rex about it, he would show disinterest. Little did I realize that it was because in our talk I would only raise Rey’s side of their problem. I forgot that I was talking to the other party in the conflict. I probably sounded like Rey’s attorney; no wonder Rex was always defensive with me.

Before long, I was already deep into the brothers’ quarrel. In trying to boot myself out of the mess, I decided to minimize contact with Rey. When he noticed I was making myself scarce for him, he was hurt; he too avoided me. I was now the loneliest person of the three of us. The two of them couldn’t be lonely; they were busy hitting each other all the time. They each only lost one friend – me; I lost both of them. Fortunately, they soon made up and put their misunderstanding behind them. I was not part of their regained relationship, though; I remained out.

Our sincere eagerness to help others’ endangered relationship is a good thing, yes, but may not always be a wise one. Especially in a conflict involving both our friends, each protagonist counts on us to be on his side, and not simply a peacemaker to resolve their dispute.

In my case with brothers Rex and Rey, I would not have gotten myself into an awkward situation if only I had the wisdom to stay out of their conflict. I could have helped them more in their problem by keeping my distance.

If, today, a friend in a quarrel with another friend approaches me to hear his side, I will listen. Then I will listen to the other side. Lending a listening ear is enough. I will withhold opinion on who’s right or wrong, even after it becomes clear to me whose side is sensible, lest I’ll end up alienating one party, or both.

When one or both of the quarreling parties shuts off from our sincere efforts to patch things up between them, any well-meaning help is useless. Thus, it is often better to stay away from other people’s quarrels, as much as possible, even if they’re our friends or family.