HOW TO SEEING A THERAPIST MIGHT HELP

Claudia Doig, clinical psychologist and certified Gottman therapist at Psychology Blossom, shares what couples can expect should they seek counselling.

“If the woman comes to see me and says, ‘Help, I'm struggling because my partner is not contributing to our household income,' first of all, I would say to her that it is important for her to come with her husband for a combined couple's session. I would want his perspective on the matter, and for him to listen as she expresses herself, and then to provide his perspective on the current financial situation, what his resistance is to getting a part-time job, and so on. Sometimes, if a man has had an acrimonious experience in a past job, this could be just a matter of processing that experience in order to rebuild his self-esteem. However, if the husband feels unmotivated to work for no reason, and comfortable with the woman supporting him, that indicates likely different values between the couple, and it would warrant having separate bank accounts.

The advice would then depend on things like whether they have children or not, or their financial support circumstances. Perhaps he is not motivated to make more money because he already is comfortable financially.

Ultimately, the therapist does not tell you exactly what to do, but supports the couple into reaching a decision whichever way that it takes them.

For women, building a nest egg is the most important thing that creates stability and security. Usually, for a man, having a job is his priority. It is common for a man without a job to withdraw into himself and possibly fall into depression. And if the man has a big ego, due to the ‘saving face' sociological culture in Singapore and in Asia, he may refuse to take up part-time jobs out of pride. All these aspects need to be investigated.”