THE 101 ON READING BETWEEN THE LINES
As anyone dating or married would espouse, communication is key in a healthy relationship. It’s not just what is said, but what’s left unsaid. Just as importantly, you have to learn to align your communication patterns with your other half ’s social network. Yes, that sometimes entails reading brain waves.
Having been married just under two years, I’m still learning the nuances of how well-brought-up ladies communicate with one another. It’s never just simple information exchange. I swear there must be a Handbook Of Saying Things Without Speaking that girls receive at boarding school, or some advanced language class or secret society code they’re inculcated in. My wife swears it’s just what she picked up at the dinner table and from accompanying her mum to events.
For guys, our conversations and intentions are straightforward: Yes is yes; no is no. My better half says it’s fine for men to speak that way, but among women, it’d be “undiplomatic”, even rude.
“Let’s catch up soon” over air kisses is the polite way, I’ve learned, to say goodbye to someone you have no intention of keeping in touch with. I’m still not sure why it’s not “Catch you soon”, which would entail less falsehood.
“Oh, I’ll be travelling that month.” Read: She’s not sure how she feels about accepting your invitation – or you. “Let me get back to you, dear?” Note the question mark, which now officially makes it an open case as to whether or not she’ll come back with a reply at all.
“I’m entering the lift/my car.” This conversation needs to end now. I’ve also proven to be a useful partner in a dance called The Sidestep. “My hubby is knocking off at 8pm and wants to go to Waku Ghin.” She never intended to stay past one glass of champagne. “I have to ask my hubby.” My answer, I’ve sometimes discovered in casual conversations about invitations I never heard about, has always been no. My honed autoresponder kicks in: Smile, say “It was a long week”, take a swig of my drink.
It’s been a few intense months of cultural studies, and I know the etiquette lessons by my wife are far from over. What we guys learn about women can usually be summed up in memes. (Example: When a girl says, “OK, have fun!” Do not have fun. Abort mission. I repeat. Abort Mission.) We forward such memes to other guys under our bro code to share vital relationship lessons without shedding chest hair. For the record, Ryan Gosling – he of the infuriating bedroom eyes beneath slightly furrowed brows – has clarified that he has never said, “Hey, Girl!”; underlying lessons on being a sensitive guy duly noted, nonetheless.
Since it would be inefficient to search for multiple pictures to overlay with Impact type, I’m doing my national service with this 101 for all bewildered men out there. Remember: Smile, “It was a long week”, bottoms up.