Freewheelin’

THERE’S NOTHING WRONG WITH A LITTLE ‘EXTRAMARITAL’ ACTIVITY – IF YOUR SPOUSE IS OPEN- MINDED.

When you see a hot Italian across a crowded room, monogamy goes out the window.

It’s not illegal to have more than one – it’s our constitutional right.

SSHE WAS ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ROOM. I COULDN’T LOOK AWAY. I HAD TO MEET HER. I SUPPOSE I WAS BEING A BIT OBVIOUS, BECAUSE MY WIFE MUTTERED DARKLY UNDER HER BREATH. “I can’t help it,” I responded. “She’s stunning.” “Get a room,” she snorted, “and wipe that drool off your chin. You men are all the same – you just can’t control your urges.”

I continued to stare at the object of my desire. I couldn’t see her name tag, but she looked exotic. Those curves and sultry lines

– she has to be Italian, I thought. I figured I’d just saunter over, cast an eye over that gorgeous body and be on my way. But my wife was seriously cramping my style. “I think I should mingle,” I said. “I know where you’re going,” she said, shooting a look in the Italian’s direction. “Don’ t Even Think About It .”

It was time to change tack. This wasn’t anything I hadn’t done before, but my urges were more intense than usual; I decided to broach the ‘ let’s be open-minded’ way of thinking. I had nothing to lose, so I took a deep breath and launched into my best sales pitch.

“That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard,” she spluttered. “But even the president…” I persisted. “President schmesident – everyone knows the president has no control, and can’t limit himself to just one.”

“And what’s wrong with that?” I responded. “It’s not illegal to have more than one – it’s our constitutional right.” “So, you want to just take her home with us?”

Now there’s a thought. “We’ll be so discreet. You won’t even know she’s living with us.”

My wife shook her head. “I’m fairly low maintenance, and you can barely afford to buy me a Valentine’s Day gift.” She nodded at the Italian. “Now that looks seriously high maintenance.” But I could make it work. Get a second job, take a third bond, cash in our children’s education policies. It would be a small price to pay for the new status I would enjoy. The other blokes will be super-jealous when she and I cruise up to them… “This will put a spoke in our relationship,” my wife warned, looking crushed. “I’ll be the third wheel.” I tried to save the situation. “You’re lovely, smart, charming, delightful, inspiring, and the mother of my children, and we’ll always have Port Alfred, and you’ll always be my number one. Besides, if the president can juggle so many with everything he’s got on his plate, this should be a breeze. The president treats them all with respect and dignity. He loves them equally, and spends quality time with all of them.”

And then, unbelievably, the president walked into the room.

“Mr President,” I said, “my wife and I are having a difficult debate. She thinks that if I take on another, I’ll lose interest in her. I’m trying to assure her that that’s not the case.”

The president looked thoughtful. “Your wife will eventually come round,” he said. “So will everyone else. It’s worked for me.” “How many have you got?” I asked. The president paused for thought. “I’ve got,” he started to count, “one, two, three, four hundred and thirty millionty, er, I’ve got, um, well, quite a few.” Then he grinned. “And by the end of today, there will be one more in my collection. I’ve got my eye on that sexy Italian bike over there.”

Damn! Chris – the president of our riding group – is insatiable.