ZWIFT

Lockdown has exposed many to the vagaries of online ‘honesty’. Nameless beasts climbing Alp du Zwift at 7w/kg for half an hour, at resting heart rate, should be riding for Team Ineos, not in their garages; and we know none of our readers would contemplate such crookery.

There are some Zwift insider tricks that will transform your ride, though. Starting at the very beginning: if you aren’t doing 3.5w/kg or more as the countdown clock hits zero, you’ll be dropped immediately. It settles down in a few minutes; but this is not real life. Zwift starts are brutal.

Second tip: lots of bum cream, and your best shorts – in Watopia, you won’t stand up for more than a few seconds in an hour, and neither will you shift around as much as you do when you’re cornering and braking in the real world. Lockdown saddle-sore numbers make the Epic’s famed bum clinic seem quiet.

Tip three: drink a lot, and rig up the biggest fan you can find, or you can expect your overheated self to run 30 to 50 watts (or more) lower than out in nature.

Tip four: it is just a game.