Weighing the facets of love
• Love languages may not hold up to scientific scrutiny, but anything that improves relationships is welcome
February is the month of love and as loved ones celebrate one another, couples may reflect on all the ways they feel loved by their partner — be it in their actions, choice of words, the amount of time they are willing to dedicate to the relationship or doing the grocery shopping without being asked.
Baptist pastor and author Gary Chapman coined the popular term “love languages” in the early 1990s in his book, The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate. In it, he goes into detail about the five love languages and how they can be used to better understand one’s partner and connect with them on a deeper level. According to Chapman, the love languages are words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, receiving gifts and physical touch. To assist readers in discovering their love language, he offers a quiz that lists them in order of most important to least important.
However, despite the book’s consistent popularity over the past three decades, with more than 11-million books sold in English alone, Canadian researchers have recently conducted a study into the validity of love languages and whether there is empirical evidence to support their importance in relationships.
Their conclusion might be disappointing for those who have taken love languages as an almost religious dogma, swearing by their ability to make or break relationships.
“In sum, although popular lay theories might have people believe that there is a simple formula for cultivating lasting love, empirical research shows that successful relationships require that partners have a comprehensive understanding of one another’s needs and put in the effort to respond to those needs. As relationship scientists, our aim is to dispel the notion that there is a simple and straightforward fix for improving relationships.”
Chiropractor and life coach Andrew van Rensburg emphasises that love languages are just an element of what leads to a long-lasting and happy relationship.
“Love languages are like an ingredient. You’re not going to slice up a tomato and call it a salad; it’s just one part of the salad. Love languages are an ingredient of a successful relationship but not [the entirety] of a successful relationship. It’s something you want to add to your repertoire of creating a good relationship but it’s certainly not the fix-all ... of any relationship.”
Van Rensburg’s thoughts are echoed in the study, where researchers note that “love is not akin to a language one needs to learn to speak but can be more appropriately understood as a balanced diet in which people need a full range of essential nutrients to cultivate lasting love.”
The reason for the lack of scientific evidence behind love languages, according to Van Rensburg, is that there are too many variables to consider when considering love languages an integral part of any relationship.
“These are things like equality in emotional commitment and previous traumas — so childhood traumas that might influence someone’s interaction in the relationship .... It’s a very difficult thing to measure so you’d have to measure it in people who are equally committed and emotionally invested in the relationship and then you could probably draw a more reliable conclusion.”
So, the question is, should love languages be discussed when exploring the possibility of a relationship with a potential partner if they are not as essential as some may have believed? Yes and no. While they can be useful in helping to understand a partner once in an established relationship, it may not be as important to talk about right at the start, as it often is on first dates around the globe.
“The way relationships develop is, they start with desire, so you see someone you’re attracted to — the goal at that point is not really so much for love as it is to be accepted and validated in that person finding you attractive as well. It’s all about the excitement and possibility, the adventure of embarking on a journey and possibly finding a mate.
“From that desire develops the possibility of love and that’s where the love languages come in. So now we start to get to know each other, and the more we get to know each other, the more we start to love who the person is,” Van Rensburg says.
Love languages start to matter when a person is their true self and acting from a place of vulnerability. In other words, when the goal is not to impress but rather to live harmoniously as oneself within the relationship.
“Is this person meeting the needs of how I need to feel loved? So, if I come home at the end of the day and my partner is there, how are they showing me that they still love me? And if my love language is quality time, do they turn off the television when I get home, sit down with me and have a conversation or do they leave the television on, give me a fleeting, ‘Hi honey, welcome home’, and then carry on watching television? Which is going to make me feel empty and unloved.”
When posing the question to your regular person about how they feel about love languages, Michelle Roussow responded with, “Is there any scientific proof around love? We all have different needs, including in a relationship — and being aware of what your partner needs/ values/appreciates better equips you to satisfy them in love (and vice versa). Knowing that someone loves you is one thing, but feeling that someone loves you (by listening to, and delivering on, what matters to you) is a whole different thing.”
Kerryn Rutherford, a South African based in Australia, has a similar perspective. Rutherford, who recently celebrated a year of marriage, says she and her husband completed the love languages quiz and both found it really helpful.
“I honestly think it works and even if it can’t be ‘scientifically’ proven.… When can emotions and behaviour? It’s too complex and there are so many external factors that need to be considered.”
She believes people lean towards giving and receiving love in certain ways.
“I think if people are choosing their partner based [on] their love language, they’ve misunderstood the philosophy of it. [Chapman] suggests [it’s about] understanding how your partner gives and receives love so you can understand what they need to feel loved.”
Communication is essential in relationships and Van Rensburg says love languages can help with this. How a partner receives and gives love, may not be understood by the other party if they aren’t communicated.
LOVE LANGUAGES ARE LIKE AN INGREDIENT. YOU’RE NOT GOING TO SLICE UP A TOMATO AND CALL IT A SALAD
Andrew van Rensburg Chiropractor and life coach
IF PEOPLE CHOOSE THEIR PARTNER BASED [ON] THEIR LOVE LANGUAGE, THEY’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE PHILOSOPHY
Kerryn Rutherford South African based in Australia
“[One partner] might shower [the other] with gifts, when all she wants is quality time and he says, ‘Well I’m here trying to make ends meet and supporting the family or whatever else I’m doing and I’m showering you with all these gifts and I’m providing a lifestyle for you and you’re not satisfied ’— that might create conflict.”
Understanding how your partner feels loved and working towards developing ways of giving in their love language is likely to be appreciated.
“If my love language is acts of service, my partner can say, ‘Great, I’ll make sure that I make you a nice dinner or I’ll make sure I do these things for you.’”
While scientific evidence may be lacking in understanding how successful relationships are created, love languages can be beneficial if one communicates and is open to learning what love looks like for their partner. After all, relationships take work — there is no such thing as an easy one. But they can become more effortless over time, especially if one is willing to remain pliable, open-minded and honest.