What my rather ‘quiet’ daughter taught me
The world can be a challenging place for introverts and we should respect their needs, writes Sara Lindberg
IWAS making dinner the other night when I noticed it was eerily quiet; the only noise was coming from the sizzle of the hamburger on the stove. My husband and daughter were sitting 6 metres from me, yet no one was talking. They were both engaged in what I like to call their “quiet time”.
My son, on the other hand, is a different story. He was outside talking to himself while he played with trucks on a dirt track. When he and I are in a room, it is non-stop chatter, and I am sure it’s annoying for the other half of the family.
What I have learnt from being married to an introvert, and being a mother to one, is simple: sometimes they just want to be left alone. It has nothing to do with being shy, depressed, anxious or arrogant. It has everything to do with what they are comfortable with and their need to have an environment with less stimulation.
When they talk, the words are meaningful, the questions are important, and the thoughts shared are invaluable. I have learnt to read their body language to know if I am invading their space – to take a step back from what I need and respect what they need.
Simply put, an introvert refuels by spending time alone, and an extrovert draws energy from interaction. Introverts have a preference for quiet, for less noise, for less action. Our world can be challenging for introverts.
We tell kids they need to be more outgoing and social, to share their feelings and express themselves verbally. We encourage co-operative learning, teams and communities. We worry about the lone kid who sits by himself every day.
The world is full of extroverts, and introverts are painfully aware of this. Introverted kids are often unfairly seen as lacking social skills. Instead of understanding and respecting their world, we try to make them change to fit in ours.
Most kids (and adults) have a little of both, and they reveal different aspects of themselves in various situations. Kids who tend to have more introverted qualities face many challenges at school because, more often than not, the qualities of an extroverted child are valued more than those of their introverted peers.
Through lots of trial and error, I have learnt a few things that have allowed me to strengthen the relationship with my daughter rather than just bridge a gap between us.
I find that if I give her time to answer a question, rather than expect a quick response, she feels respected.
Introverts tend to mull things over and won’t speak until they know exactly what they want to say. I have also learnt not to finish her sentences; this was, and still is, a hard one for me to do.
In conversations when I am requiring her to reflect on something, I have found telling a story or speaking about myself allows her to insert herself where it is safe and appropriate for her.
Asking introverts too many questions makes them withdraw more.
My daughter has taught me a lot about the quiet and wonderful world of introverts: the power of mindfulness and thought; the beauty of space and less noise.
I have found I gain incredible insight into her world when I don’t ask for more than what she can give me.
Recently, I was talking with her Grade 2 teacher about how she interacts in class. Her teacher told me that about half of the time, my daughter chooses to work alone and seems absolutely okay with that.
This choice of space and quiet time needs to be respected by parents and teachers. My daughter is fortunate to have a teacher who knows her well and understands her need to work alone.
The teacher gets it is not about being shy or antisocial, it is just my daughter’s way of operating in the world.
Introverts behave in the way they do because of their innate temperament. The more we embrace their nature, the happier they will be.