'See me!' writes David Biggs

IAM BEGINNING to wonder whether I still exist as a real, flesh-and-blood human. Everywhere I go, they seem to recognise me only when I pop up on a computer screen. I went for my once-in-three-years “annual” dental check-up the other day and my dentist took some X-rays and then switched on her laptop computer and stared at the screen intently for a long time.

Meanwhile, I lay on my back, mouth open, staring at the pictures of bunnies and kitties on the ceiling.

“Mmm, yes,” she muttered to the computer, “not bad, considering how long it was since your last appointment. I’ll replace that little filling that seems to be a bit loose, and I can file off that rough spot there. Hmmm. okay.”

All this without even looking into my real mouth. I’m a “virtual” mouth to her.

I go to see the oncologist for my regular medical check-up and the first thing she does is switch me on on her computer. “Your blood looks pretty good,” she says (Gee thanks. I bet you say that to all the boys!) and then comments on my cholesterol and globins or whatever, all the while looking at her screen. I’m surprised she doesn’t tap the keyboard to take my shirt off.

My bank manager (or whatever he’s called these days) says “hello” when I arrive and then continues the interview with his computer screen. “Well, I suppose we could move some money from here and put in into this account and transfer this sum across to there.”

What he’s actually doing is rummaging in my pockets electronically. Thank goodness I’m not ticklish!

I even seem to have an electronic alter ego who is spending money at furniture stores without my knowledge.

Twice a week I receive a stern SMS from a furniture company, warning me that unless I pay my account promptly, “further steps will be taken”.

I have never had any dealings with that store in all my life and I sent a reply to them telling them this, but two days later there was the message again – a little sterner this time.

I was warned to pay my account “immediately” or those further steps would be taken. First promptly, then immediately. I wonder what comes after immediately. Instantly?

Maybe they’ll send an electronic hit man round to threaten to break all my hard drives unless I pay.

Meanwhile, I suppose some real live person is sitting comfortably in his debt-ridden lounge chairs, probably drinking single malt whisky he hasn’t paid for and wondering vaguely why Russells hasn’t ever asked him for money.

Last Laugh

Tannie Marta travelled to Cape Town from Dooie-perdfontein to do her Christmas shopping and was desperately trying to get it done in one day in spite of the rush and bustle of the holiday crowds.

She boarded the crowded False Bay train and stood there panting, clutching several large parcels.

A young lad saw her distress and stood up politely. “Would the auntie like to sit here?” he offered.

“Ag no thanks my kind,” she said. “I haven’t got time to sit down. I’m in a terrible hurry.”