Ham-fisted way of farming out truth on cold cuts
INOTICE the label on the sliced meat I bought recently described it as “farm ham”. Well, what other kind of ham is there? City ham? Ocean ham? I am always interested in the words the marketing people use to sell their products. Farm ham, conjurers up a mental picture of contented pigs, quietly munching acorns beneath the shady Cape oak trees. There’s probably an applecheeked, swine-herd leaning against a tree playing Vivaldi’s to the pigs on his simple reed flute.
In reality the pigs are probably kept on slatted floors in crowded sheds, being fed scientifically-formulated pig fattening pellets from automated dispensers. Their tails have been cut off to prevent their bored companions from chewing on them. They wouldn’t know what to do with an acorn if it fell on them. Far more like a factory than a farm. More or less the same applies to the butter substitutes we ordinary folk have to buy these days. Not many of us can afford to pay more than R50 for a 500g lump of butter, so we scan the shelves with beady eyes for substitutes.
Aha! This might be the thing I need, it’s labelled “Country Spread”. This immediately makes me think kind old Mrs Van Tonder was in her country kitchen with her butter churn and cream separator, whipping up her delicious country butter.
The manufacturers don’t want us to know exactly what it’s made of so they print the obligatory ingredients list in type so small you need a microscope to read it.
Luckily I have a microscope. More than half of it is water (56%), then there are various vegetable oils, whey powder, emulsifiers (E471 and E322), a dash of sodium benzoate, a pinch of potassium sorbate, a little beta carotene and a splash of “flavouring”. Yummy. Good country stuff. Apparently Mrs Van Tonder’s cosy little country kitchen is in a leafy glade in the industrial area of La Lucia in KwaZulu-Natal.
Oh, and if you’re allergic to dairy products be warned there may be cow’s milk in there too. Good gracious! Cow’s milk in a butter substitute! What will they think of next? I guess the cows wandered in from the farm ham factory next door while the herdsman was playing his flute.
I was once told that, during the last desperate days of World War II the German Panzer divisions were sometimes reduced to running their tanks’ diesel engines on melted butter.
I sometimes wonder whether the stuff we spread on our genetically-enhanced, vitamin-enriched bread would be better suited for use as tank fuel.
Last Laugh
The chief executive of a large bank decided to pay unannounced visits to the smaller rural branches to see that everything was being done according to the bank’s rules.
When he arrived at the Skietmekaar branch he walked in and was horrified to see the bank manager and two tellers sitting behind the counter playing poker.
He decided to give them a wake-up shock, so he located the fire alarm bell and rang it loudly three times. The poker players didn’t even look up, but a waiter came running from the hotel across the road carrying a tray with three cold beers on it.