If music be, like, the food of love, like, play on

SEVERAL readers have written to tell me their own personal most irritating words and I was reminded of this last week when I attended a amazing production of Shakespeare’s at Maynardville. Of course the irritating words had nothing to do with Shakespeare, who used words skillfully. They poured forth from a young woman seated behind me who was suffering from “like diarrhoea”.

You must have come across cases of this modern epidemic.

This person had one of those voices that cuts through every other sound and fills your ears like the quacking of a constipated duck. And every second word she uttered was “like”.

“So I was like going like to the shops like and like I like met like Sue and she like said…”

My companion and I exchanged grimaces and we both started silently counting the number of times that mindless word popped up.

I gave up after the first 10. I’d run out of fingers and was certainly not about to remove my shoes to continue the count. The “likes” kept pouring out until the play started and her companions mercifully hushed her.

Other words on readers’ lists of irritations included “basically” and “actually” and several people listed one of my own hates – “awesome”.

That’s a very useful word and can add colour to anybody’s speech, but it’s like the South African rand. If you spend it on unnecessary goods it quickly becomes worthless.

I counted out some notes at the local supermarket check-out the other day and handed them over to the cashier.

“Is that the right amount?” I asked and she looked at my little pile of notes and said “Awesome!”

I wondered what she would say if she were to look at the view from the top of Table Mountain, or stand at the rim of the Grand Canyon in Colorado. “Hey, like wow”? If she finds a pile of 10-rand notes “awesome” the sight of the Victoria Falls would probably cause her to soil her underwear.

Talking of the power of words used correctly or otherwise, I was travelling behind a security company vehicle the other day and noticed the slogan painted on the back. It said: “24 hour Armed Response.”

My passenger read it and muttered: “That’s exactly the trouble with them. If I wanted to choose a security company to guard my home I’d look for one that said: ‘Five minute Armed Response’.”

By the way, was like awesome. I haven’t laughed so much for a long time.

Don’t miss it!

Last Laugh

Charlie arrived at work looking terrible.

You don’t look well,” said his foreman. “What’s the trouble?” “I had a sleepless night last night,” he said. “I was helping my little boy with his maths homework and there was a question that said: ‘If you had seven cents and you spent two of them, how many would you have left?’”

“Well, that sounds simple enough. How could it have kept you up all night?”

“I lay awake the whole night trying to figure out what anybody could buy for two cents.”