‘Old-timers’ are getting younger by the day

IT’S AN interesting – and much publicised – fact that the human population is getting older. This is partly because we live healthier lifestyles than our forefathers did and partly because the medical profession has advanced to the stage where diseases that would have killed our grandparents are now cured by a matter of a handful of pills and we’re back on the dance floor.

In our grandparents’ time, a good lifespan was considered to be the biblical “three score years and 10”, which is only 70 years.

Good grief! Today people of 70 are surfing, riding Harley-Davidsons, parachuting and getting married.

All this longevity does come with a price. Governments around the world are finding there are too many pensioners and not enough active young earners paying taxes.

Last Friday I scooted into the mall parking area, put my little scooter on its stand and removed my helmet. An elderly fellow watched me and said: “You must be the chap who writes for the Cape Argus.”

I admitted I was and he said he was looking forward to his retirement in a few years. He told me he was 65 and planned to retire at 68.

I said: “Well, when you do, get yourself a scooter and have fun.”

“Oh, I’m too old for that,” he said. “I plan to get a van. How old are you?”

I said I was 77 and he growled: “I hate you!” I wished him a happy Youth Day, gave him a smug grin and scooted off, completely forgetting what I had come to the shops to buy.

One of the problems of all this sprightly age is that publishers are still printing stuff designed for younger eyes. They need to catch up with the trend and realise at least half their readers have age-related eyes.

Most of the modern magazine publishers insist on printing words in grey on a yellow background, or white on an orange background. It might look very pretty, but it’s well-nigh impossible to read with 70-year-old eyes. The newspapers have shrunk the size of the cartoons, so I now haven’t the faintest idea what Modesty Blaise is up to.

Another sad thing is that the pamphlets that come with medications are printed in such tiny type that even 20-year-old eyes would find them hard to read. That might not be such a bad thing, really. By the time you’re read all the possible side-effects – headaches, nausea, vomiting, dizziness, blindness, deafness and death – you really don’t want to risk swallowing the pills, which are simply meant to ease the ache in your 70-year-old hips.

In any case, most of my friends have brand-new hips now, so they don’t need those pills.

Last Laugh

Two executives were having lunch and the one asked: “How’s that new secretary of yours coming along?”

“Well, she’s either very smart or very stupid,” said the other. “She’s been with me for only a week and she’s got my filing system into such a mess that I can’t manage to find anything without her.”