I’m not banking on funding that ‘IT guy’ in Miami

REGULAR Tavern readers will know I have a deep suspicion of electronics and “electronic banking” in particular. I reckon if I can access my money by pressing a few computer keys, then surely somebody else who knows about computers can do the same. I don’t think I’m being unreasonably paranoid about this. After all, President Obama apparently had thousands of messages hacked by Russians and it appears that President Trump’s electronic conversations are all monitored.

We regularly read “leaked” stories about highly sensitive political communications. They all probably have elaborate security codes and passwords but their communications seem almost public by now.

What chance have I with just one simple password?

A friend who lives in Johannesburg recently tried to draw some money from his bank account and was horrified to be told by the machine that he was flat broke. Every cent of his more than R34 000 had been withdrawn from his account.

He went to the bank and was told, yes, somebody in Miami in the US had withdrawn all his savings.

He was obviously angry and confused. He went to the bank and demanded to know how anybody could have had access to his account. He had not allowed the bank card out of his sight at any time, let alone sent it to Miami.

The bank was apologetic and promised to “look into it”, and after a few days they returned his money to his account. Well, it wasn’t actually his money they returned. They merely gave him back the same amount that was stolen. Meanwhile, some lucky criminal in Miami was spending the stolen money on high living. I don’t suppose the bank considered tracking down the hacker and shaking him until the money fell out of his pockets. That would have cost more than the sum that was stolen. They probably just sighed and wrote it off as another loss. Meanwhile, the thief is sitting at his keyboard in sunny Miami, looking at other bank accounts that seem worth using.

His girlfriend is delighted with her new diamond bracelet and proud of her clever boyfriend who tells her he is “in IT” when she asks what he does for a living. About half the people I know are “in IT”. It’s a mysterious world where clever people press computer keys and change the world. And apparently in some cases they change their own worlds for the better.

I often lie awake wondering how that lucky IT man in Miami is spending my friend’s money.

And I keep looking nervously at my own bank account in case he’s spending mine as well.

Last Laugh

The tax inspector was interviewing a taxpayer and said: “How do you manage, on your small salary, to buy a luxurious villa in Camps Bay?”

“Well,” said the man, “I went fishing one day and I caught a mermaid, and she said if I released her back into the sea she would grant me any wish I chose. I asked her for a luxury home in Camps Bay and she dived back into the waves and I got my villa.”

“Do you expect me to believe that story?” asked the taxman.

“Of course I do. If you don’t believe me, I can show you the actual villa to prove it.”