Delving into dealing with death
Dolny gives us insight on how to cope with death, writes Helen Grange
HELENA Dolny got the idea of writing this book when her 29-year-old daughter, Tess, asked for something to read concerning death and everything related to it. This was to help her prepare for the death of her beloved father.
Dolny was given many books about grieving, to help her cope with the death of her second husband, Joe Slovo, 15 years ago but none of hem were comprehensive enough for Tess.
Dolny’s training as a hospice lay councillor had been thorough and “respectfully secular”, with more technical detail than she expected: products to ease discomfort, social mapping of family relationships to anticipate family dramas, etc.
But she wanted more than socio-technical knowledge – to learn how to create and support the emotional environment that would best serve the person dying, and those around them.
Dolny spent 15 years as an agricultural economist, at first with rural African communities, 10 more as a banker creating easier access to finance, and on becoming more interested in people, working as a leadership coach.
But there is something about mortality that helps clarify what is important to us. Dolny set out to become skilled at such conversations, and that included getting closer to the practice of dying.
The hummingbird (featured on the cover) became her symbol and spirit guide, after one hovered over her while she was doing hospice training in a forest.
Dolny went on to interview people across continents – people as diverse as those in funeral parlours, palliative care, spiritual leaders, financial advisers, family and friends.
Her journey took her from South Africa’s townships to the American mid-west; from a hospital bed in Lusaka, Zambia to Bellagio on the shores of Lake Como in Italy.
Along the way she spoke to many people including Archbishop Desmond Tutu, US healthcare pioneer Bernie Hammes and Ellen Goodman of Boston’s The Conversation Project.
The fruit of all this admirable industry is 57 stories on nine themes, some stories, sad and others embracing love, hope and peace.
As a follower of Marxism, Dolny can’t help showing her political colours, and recounts helping her first husband Ed and later Joe with acts of sabotage.
These recollections, told quite matter-of-factly and often referencing “hit squads” and “assassins”, feel strangely at odds with the themes of this book, and will no doubt sit uneasily with those readers with an impulse to argue her political polemic.
The writer dwells at length on her loneliness after Slovo’s death, and the battle to adjust to “a new normal life”, with its inevitable loss of status.
Dolny has again found happiness with radio personality and political commentator Jon Perlman, who expertly handled her book launch last month.
The primary message of her book, says Dolny, is “more talking, less suffering”.
“Death is inevitable and our losing of those we love is a painful experience, but I believe I’ve witnessed people suffering even more because of conversations that hadn’t happened or weren’t concluded.”
The book ends with an invitation: “You’ve read all these people’s stories, now what about you?”
On Dolny’s website she provides an online workbook that people can go through in even more detail if they want.
Visit www.helenadolny.com.