Help a loved one with dementia
There are simple steps you can take to see they feel safe and loved these holidays
THE holiday season is upon us, and many families will be gathering to celebrate. With the rise in the prevalence of dementia – now estimated at around 50 million people worldwide – there’s a fair chance that you may notice one of your relatives repeating the same question or story over and over, or finding it hard to cope with the large family gatherings they used to enjoy.
Until dementia touched me directly, I didn’t want to know about it. Even when my mother began showing signs of Alzheimer’s (the most common form of dementia among older adults), I was so shocked by the changes in her memory, behaviour and abilities that I didn’t want to face the truth.
It took me a couple of years before I was ready to become curious about the changes, and start appreciating what life must be like for a person who is becoming deeply forgetful.
Many of us fear dementia because our loved ones start exhibiting what are called “problem behaviours” – like uncharacteristic spontaneity, anxiety or agitation.
The truth is that many of these behaviours are caused by those of us who don’t have dementia, but who haven’t yet learnt how to engage with a person living with dementia.
Holiday times can be over-stimulating and confusing for people with dementia. Step into your loved one’s shoes for a moment. Can you imagine how you might feel if your short-term memory was no longer working, and you were taken on holiday to an unfamiliar place?
Would you feel safe staying with a group of people you couldn’t remember, but who kept telling you they were your relatives? And how would you feel if your daily routine was completely disrupted, and you had no idea what was going to happen next? In the face of all this uncertainty, you might very well feel agitated.
Whether we have dementia or not, our brains work better, and so we function better, when we feel calm. With a bit of forward planning, we can create an environment in which our loved one with dementia will feel safe, loved and at ease.
Speak to relatives and friends about dementia, and help everyone to understand the condition so they can engage effectively with your loved one.
Encourage family members and friends to be observant. Notice changes in the person’s moods and work out what could be contributing to their sense of ease or agitation. Are there certain times of day when your loved one has more energy and is more relaxed? These would be good times to include them in social activities. But at times of day when they feel tired or agitated, it might be better to schedule a quiet rest or a gentle walk.
To communicate effectively with a person with dementia, we need to reduce sources of confusion.
Turn off talk-radio or television programmes playing in the background, and rather play music your loved one enjoys.
It’s confusing for a person with dementia to follow conversations in groups, so encourage individuals to spend special time with their loved one, giving them their full attention.
Use simple, short sentences, and talk about things you can actually see, hear or touch, rather than abstract topics.
Because dementia most often damages a person’s short-term memory, memories from the past can feel more real to them than things that they experienced that morning.
So don’t be surprised if you’re asked the same question or told the same story many times. Your loved one isn’t being difficult – they honestly can’t remember what you or they just said.
They may share memories from long ago as if those things had just happened. Step into their world, enjoy their stories, and don’t correct them – time is a concept that no longer applies.
While their long-term memory is still working, ask them more about that time in their life. One day those stories may also be gone.
Think about the activities and pastimes your loved one has always enjoyed. If you are travelling together, pack some of their favourite music and hobby materials so that they feel at home and occupied.
Many people with dementia are still physically active, so spend time outdoors where they can exercise; enjoy natural sights, sounds and sensations; take part in a picnic or braai; or just relax quietly in the shade.
While together on holiday, create a meaningful gift from family members and friends who know the person well.
Put together a playlist of their favourite music from every stage of their life; or a photograph album with labelled photos that tells their life story; or a memory box containing significant items that could encourage reminiscence. All these gifts will help those who visit and care for your loved one to understand who they are and engage more meaningfully with them.
Finally, whether you are at home or away, create a reassuring routine – a daily rhythm of activity and rest, social time and quiet time, and opportunities to be entertained and to be of assistance.
Let’s keep our loved ones with dementia connected to life, love and meaning.
Alice Ashwell is educator coach at Dementia Connections.
“My mum had dementia for about 15 years, and passed away last January,” she says. “She taught me so much during the period of her dementia. So, in her memory, I’ve decided to focus on supporting the loved ones and carers of people living with dementia. I offer presentations, workshops and coaching support related to dementia, as well as restorative sessions in nature that honour the carers of people with dementia.”