When love and War clash
Marchelle Abrahams chats to ‘The Marriage Battle’ co-author Susan Green
‘THEY say it’s not the big cut that will kill you, but those every day little nicks that eventually cause you to bleed out.” This was Susan Green’s honest reaction when asked if she ever experienced racism or homophobia in the 17 years that she’s been with her now-wife Robin Phillips.
Theirs is a love story that spans not only decades, but finds parallels in Green’s own childhood. The product of a loving marriage between a black American airman and a young white woman from Liverpool, her parents married when their union was illegal in many US states in the late 1950s.
Now based in Arizona, it sparked the couple to document their own journey of being an inter-racial lesbian couple in a new book The Marriage Battle: A Family Tradition.
The book delves into their personal triumphs but also tragedies they had to endure while drawing parallels of Green’s own parents and their fight to find recognition for a marriage that was built on love.
In Green’s own words, this book “is both a life story and a love story, both imperfect and perfect in every way”.
Green and Phillips’ story is proof that love does conquer all. But what is unique about their situation is that many gay couples can identify with them, especially in a South African context. Our history of violence against the LGBT community is a poignant reminder that this is the reality for many out there.
During Green’s busy schedule, I managed to catch up with her for a quick Q&A session. What was the creative process behind writing the book?
It all began with an article about 5 years ago that I wrote when same sex marriage was being debated in US courts. I wanted to write a story about my parents’ marriage and my marriage with Robin and the parallels we went through to get people to accept us as normal. I wanted people to realise that it had been less than 50 years ago that my parents’ marriage had been legalised. How did you and your wife Robin meet?
Robin and I actually met in New York City in 2001. We had gone to an event for LGBT to watch a women’s basketball game. I pretty much knew I was in trouble the first time I saw her. I had actually been set up with someone else, but when I saw Robin I knew there was no other person for me. Can you recall any instances where you as a couple were subjected to racism and homophobia?
On our first date in New York City we walked into a restaurant and the waitress wouldn’t look at me, she would only look and speak to Robin. That happens often!
When I was travelling to Serbia and South Africa for work, I was told not to tell anyone about being gay; that I could get hurt. But I did it anyway because Robin is part of my life.
Growing up, were you made aware of the fact that you lived in a biracial household?
A: When we were growing up, we lived overseas a lot because of some of the turmoil with race issues in the US. As kids we didn’t know we were different, that is until Dad had to serve time during the Vietnam war, and we were sent to “the projects” in Springfield Illinois. People would call us names like “High Yellow” and refuse to play with us because we weren’t like them. Before my father had left he had pulled me aside and said, “If anyone asks you what colour you are you say ‘black’”.
How did your parents communicate to you that what they were doing was wrong in the eyes of the law?
A: When I sat down to talk to my dad about it, he told me that he didn’t consider himself a hero for fighting for his marriage – he wanted one simple thing – to have his marriage be legal in every state. He wanted to show everyone that we were just like any other family, not that his kids were born out of a marriage that wasn’t legal everywhere.
Your book is raw and real. Did you find the experience cathartic?
A: Was it hard? Certainly. It’s never easy being willing to show everyone your “dirty laundry”, but this book would not have been honest without it.
There were times when it was difficult to write, but I had made a promise to myself when I sat down. That promise was that I wouldn’t sugar-coat life.
Do you feel that there is still discrimination against biracial relationships in the US?
A: If you look at the Pew Research numbers, it shows that the numbers of mixed race marriages are on the rise, and the approval rating is also on the rise. So you would probably say there is more acceptance if you go by the poll numbers. But, there is still that double take that people have to deal with. Robin and I will still walk into a restaurant and you can feel people looking, then leaning forward and whispering. And, it’s not just white people who sometimes look on with a disapproving stare, but people of colour as well. SA’s political landscape has a similar history, and lots of couples in the LGBT community still fear reprisal if they come out. What is your advice to them?
My advice is to make sure you are telling your story at the right time for you. I knew I was gay for several years and was terrified that someone would find out. I always say that people don’t have to approve of me, either as a mixed race child or a lesbian, but they have to respect me. That was always my mantra, and I have to admit it helped me as I was coming out person by person. I had great friends and family, but I also had a conversation with myself saying I had to be willing to lose some friends over this and that was okay. The only sad thing in my life is that my father never got to know Robin before he passed. But, every day I look at her I thank my dad for teaching me that no matter how hard it might be to love the person you love, you just love them harder. Yes I am a mixed race lesbian and I wouldn’t have it any other way!