Unaware of raising broken kids
Children must not hear bitter side of parents’ separation. It might cause great psychological pain later
PARENTS’ emotional intelligence is our solution to nurture unbroken children. “Leave! I’ll raise my children without you. Go cheat freely, we are better off you anyway”, a woman boldly said to the father of her children – in the presence of their kids.
“I want nothing to do with you anyway. I don’t love you anymore so I’ll come visit my children when I can”, responded the father furiously.
A changing moment for the kids. Knowing their father is a cheater, their father is not the role model they thought he is, their father does not love and value their mother – in return – the mother is chasing their father away, the parents have given up on each other. What a brutal experience for them.
The children may not know the reasons that resulted in their mother uttering those words but to hear the possibility of being separated with one of their parents is a certain life-changing moment.
All of a sudden, you’d be raising angry children, bitter children, unhappy children, violent children, broken children and cold-hearted children.
And to prevent that, emotional intelligence is a precious gift which parents can possess.
It’s a gift that gives clear direction on when to act, a gift that gives wisdom to choose words wisely, a gift that opens your mind and guides your steps.
Emotional intelligence is understanding one’s own feelings, emotions to handle interpersonal relationships and disagreements judiciously or empathetically.
It involves your awareness to handle the emotions of the people around you or in your life. It includes being able to empathise with others.
Parents who act senselessly or violently in front of children due to life’s uncertainty, frustrations, anger and anxieties, lack emotional intelligence and awareness that their actions have a great impact to build, groom and nurture broken children.
How does one distinguish broken children from normal children?
Normal children are confident, they are independent and motivated, they are open-minded, they laugh more and play more.
Meanwhile, the majority of broken children are emotionally detached from everyone else in their social spaces, they are lonely and full of anger, their level of school engagement is lower, have bad behaviour and emotional problems.
Parents must monitor the growth of their children to notice the changes in their behaviours when they emerge. Parents must be mindful of their actions and manage their anger in the presence of their children.
And with regards the differences between a mother and a father – my belief is they shouldn’t remain in unhealthy relationships because they feel helplessness, fear of economic security, protecting the children, culture and religious beliefs.
If they want separation, let it be, but children must not witness the bitter side of the separation of their parents.
We must also take note of the fact that the parents’ degree of emotional skill goes far towards determining their children’s level of emotional intelligence.
If you are abusive and violent parents, you are likely to raise abusive and violent children. If you are loving parents, you will groom loving children.
Parents, need to introspect and reflect broadly on how they groom and nurture their children. We need parents who will question and scrutinise the words they utter in the presence of kids.
My fear is that we may be raising broken children when we are not even aware of what we are doing wrong.
In 2017, six and nine year-old learners were found dead in what appeared to be acts of suicide in Limpopo and Mpumalanga schools. In May 2018, a second-year engineering student from the University of the Witwatersrand died after allegedly jumping from the building in an act of suicide.
Meanwhile, two Grade 11 pupils from Stella High School in the North West were found dead at their hostel. One hanging, another with a string around her neck and the ex-boyfriend of one of the two girls was arrested in connection with their alleged murders.
With all these occurrences, it is easy to notice that young people are suffering mentally and I am not saying it’s because their parents have failed them.
But in most cases, parents are not emotionally there for their children. In fact, they don’t even know what is happening in their children’s lives on a mental and psychological level.
The parents may be supporting their children financially but there are gaps when it comes to monitoring their children’s development and growth in life and this expands whatever brokenness the young people are facing.
I believe parents should not expose children to negativity in homes and to help us crack the brokenness of young people that has become evident currently, parents’ emotional intelligence is a vital tool to groom steady children.
Myataza is a political science graduate from the University of the Western Cape. Currently, a content producer at the Media and Writers Firm