So-called ‘safety features’ could easily turn nasty

APHRASE we hear almost every day now is “bumper to bumper”. It’s part of Cape Town’s all-purpose excuse for being late. “Sorry I’m late. The traffic was bumper to bumper all the way from Hospital Bend.” I think it’s the grown-up version of “my dog ate my homework”.

It’s a quaint, old-fashioned expression when you come to think of it, because cars don’t have bumpers any more. They just end in a sort of bulge which is no good at all when it comes to bumping.

There was a time when there were strict regulations on the bumpers of passenger vehicles. I think the bumper of a car had to be capable of withstanding an impact with a solid object at five miles an hour, which is about 8km/h.

Bumpers were tough steel fenders bolted to the chassis of the car. They were usually chrome-plated and quite an attractive part of the car’s design.

Today’s cars don’t have a chassis any more, so there’s no strong point to which to attach a bumper.

Car manufacturers, of course, say the lack of bumpers is a “safety feature”. In the event of a collision you don’t come to a sudden stop and break your neck. Instead the car crumples progressively around you like a wounded concertina, trapping you in twisted metal.

I believe it’s all just an excuse to make flimsier cars and save on the price of steel. A great many of today’s problems are the result of so-called safety features.

Some years ago the shampoo manufacturers switched from glass bottles to plastic ones, saying it was for safety reasons. Glass dropped on a bathroom floor could shatter and cause nasty accidents, so plastic was safer, they said.

They were lying. Plastic was cheaper and we now have oceans dying from plastic pollution. At least the glass shampoo bottles sank to the sea bed and didn’t strangle baby seals. I read that by the year 2030 there will be more plastic in the sea than fish.

But it’s all in the name of safety, so that’s okay. The same story was told about toothpaste tubes, which used to be made of lead. Shocking! Lead is poison. We now have indestructible plastic toothpaste tubes to pollute our oceans in the name of safety.

We used to melt lead toothpaste tubes and turn them into fishing sinkers or flatten then into “ghoens” for hopscotch games. There’s nothing you can do with a used plastic toothpaste tube, except use it to choke a penguin.

I suppose bumper-to-bumper traffic is really a safety feature. Not much harm can come to you in a collision at walking speed.

Last Laugh

Two colleagues were chatting in a bar after work and the one man said,”I went to the ballet last night. It was an awesome show.”

“I’m surprised. I never would have thought you’d enjoy ballet. You seem such a macho guy, ” said his pal.

“Oh, I really do like ballet. Where else could I sit and look at 20 women for two hours without one of them saying a single word?” he replied.