Allow yourself to grieve as best as you can

THEY say the best advice given is through one’s own experiences. Today I am writing about grief. I have read countless articles on the stages of grief yet now personally experiencing it I realise everybody’s journey is different.

Although research illustrates the stages of grief, our grieving process is subjective.

My dad was both of my parents and losing him was like having a limb amputated and now I am rehabilitating myself to live without it.

With sudden departures there is added shock and disbelief. I don’t have a crystal ball to tell you the right way but if you have suffered loss in these Covid times, I hope I can lead you to a more comfortable path as you navigate.

1. The most important thing is to allow grief. Everybody grieves differently. The way you do is no reflection of your pain and your loss, it is merely your body’s way of channelling it. You cannot move forward until you allow yourself to fully let go. If you mask it you are only prolonging as well as fermenting the inevitable.

2. No expectations. One of my dad’s favourite sayings was to not expect. Expectations lead to disappointment. You may assume certain actions from particular people in this period but it is best to let go of these. People are not mindreaders, they don’t automatically know what you require of them.

3. Only people who have walked in your shoes can identify.

I’m now more aware of those trying to comfort me. There is no “right way” and can be awkward for some. If I remember how I comforted those who had lost loved ones in the past I would do it differently now having experienced it. One must, however, be careful that we do not project our own needs onto others. Allow people to be there for you in any way they can.

4. It comes from a good place. when people say silly things to you (and they will). Some I have experienced on this road include “I know how you feel”.

No they don’t. Only you know. We all experience love and sorrow uniquely but be grateful for the compassion .

5. Make time to get to know the love language of the mourning and vice versa. At the end of the day we all need sympathy in different ways. We should be aware that people give it in different ways too.

Gifts people will send you; flowers, words people will send you messages, quality time people will give you their time, acts of service, people will make you food and lift your children, physical touch people will embrace you in hugs (difficult in these times.)

Whatever way they offer their love, just appreciate it. They are giving you the love you need in a way they know how.

6. You are the author of your story. As soul-destroying as losing someone is we need to find the light at the end of the tunnel or else we may as well be buried alongside him or her.

Losing loved ones may have the added stress of settling debts, parting with homes and assets and no life insurance or wills, however when we leave this earth material goods mean nothing, what is important is how you lived your life and what impact you had on others.

It’s the lessons learned no matter how hard, for they are what makes you the person you are and when you depart you leave a legacy behind.

It is imperative to find gratitude in every day. If we see the dark clouds, lest we remember that the storm passes but the blue sky beneath never ceases.

If you are battling, be at peace with the fact that the loved one gone is at peace. The decisions you make are entirely your choice and even though your story has chapters of sadness, there can still be a happy ending.