Mining real-life accounts of bereavement for gold lessons

GRIEF WORKS STORIES OF LIFE, DEATH AND SURVIVING Julia Samuel Loot.co.za (R282)

REVIEWER: BEL MOONEY

THE psychotherapist Julia Samuel, founder-patron of the charity Child Bereavement UK, has devoted the past 28 years to working with the bereaved, and that experience and dedication shines through every word of her book.

Grief Works aims to broaden our understanding of grief by means of the most powerful (and ancient) method: telling stories.

For it is the particular magic of stories, whether fictional or real-life, that catapult us into the lives of others and enable us to understand our own souls.

Grief Works is both a handbook to help others and a lifeline for all of us who will encounter loss in our own lives.

Samuel will never forget the first person she counselled. She evokes the stifling high-rise flat, the cigarette smoke and the “furious grief” of Annie – in her late 60s and devastated by the sudden death on Christmas Eve of her daughter.

Then a barely trained volunteer bereavement counsellor, Samuel felt “inadequate and frightened in the face of her loss”.

Attempting to block her pain, Annie drank too much and railed against the truth – when, of course, it was only by accepting the reality of her daughter’s death that she could go on living.

If I describe Grief Works as a volume of 14 case histories, it could sound dull, but the opposite is the case.

Sensitively, and with great wisdom, Julia Samuel has mined her life’s work to give us nuggets of pure gold.

There are five sections, each focusing on a different grief scenario: when a partner dies, then a parent, a sibling and a child. Finally, she considers the experiences of two women forced to face up to their own deaths.

Each section is followed by Samuel’s lucid and wise reflections on what can be learnt from what we have just read.

Samuel worked for a long time with Henry and Mimi after the stillbirth of their son, Aiden. When they told her about their baby’s funeral, Samuel comments: “I could feel the heaviness in my body as they described it…” and goes on to detail the long process of counselling. “We all felt we were walking through mud – it was draining, heavy work for us – but… normal”. This section ends with the simple statement: “Our work continues.”

Talking to those facing their own death can be the most moving. Samuel first sees dapper, 85-year-old Gordon in his hospice and maintains contact until, finally, she knows she must say goodbye, but doesn’t know how.

Gordon himself helps: “‘Watch yerself’, he said, as he gave me a hug. I repeated the same words back to him.”

Such simplicity, but with the hug they said it all. A few weeks later Gordon was dead.

Who is this deeply affecting book aimed at? Everybody. Every day, thousands of people are bereaved.

Samuel warns that research studies show “unresolved grief is at the root of psychiatric referrals” and notes that the fear surrounding the last great taboo “is largely caused by a lack of knowledge”.

So what do we all need to know? Samuels explains: “It is not the pain of grief that damages individuals... but the things they do to avoid that pain.”

The key point is that grief must be acknowledged. Repeatedly, she introduces us to those who, at the worst moment in their lives, felt required to make it all right for those around them.

“I don’t know what to say,” is the lazy response to the grief of others.

She points out that “Really listening to someone is just as important as talking to them.”

The work of dealing with the purest human sorrow is this author’s vocation, and what makes her book special are the personal anecdotes that permeate the pages. Don’t wait until you suffer loss to read Grief Works – because being prepared, and able to help others, is essential to our humanity. – Daily Mail

It is not the pain of grief that damages individuals but the things they do to avoid that pain