Getting back on the dating scene and its anxieties
WHETHER you’re a seasoned swiper or not, dating someone new can be tricky.
Not only do you question everything from the way you walk to the sound of your own voice, but you start to subconsciously unpick every element of your character to the point where you can’t even remember how to hold a glass of wine, let alone behave like a normal human being.
So, we’ve rounded up all of the irrational anxieties bound to hit when you dip your toe back into the dating scene after taking some time out.
I can’t remember how to flirt (over text)
Texting is a pain at the best of times, but when you’re trying to woo someone the stakes are higher due to the myriad lexical possibilities modern technology has provided us with.
However, complications arise when it comes to the small print.
For example, how many heart emojis are too many? Should you end every message with an “x”? Is one enough? Or does that seem cold?
Everyone knows three kisses mean you’re keen, whereas if you use none, you might as well retreat to your icy cave with your frozen heart. It’s tricky. I can’t remember how to flirt (in real life) This is even harder. Preparation is key; load up your smartphone notes with a backlog of witty one-liners, jokes, riddles and interesting questions.
How much Facebook stalking is too much?
None. There is no quandary a little social stalking can’t solve. That is, unless you’re not friends on Facebook, in which case, 007-levels of stealthiness may be required to get the dirty details you’re after.
At the very least, you should be able to see their profile pic. This alone can offer some crucial insights to satiate your stalking needs, namely, “Candid” laughing snap – someone who wants to be on social media but secretly wants the world to think they’re also too cool to be on social media.
Regular selfie – confident but possibly spends evenings looking in the mirror deciphering which is their good side.
Mirror selfie – narcissistic and not afraid. They’ve got it and they’re flaunting it.
I’ve forgotten how to drink like a grown-up
How much alcohol should you drink on a date?
Should you order a glass of wine? Or a beer? Will they think you’re being a bit presumptuous for ordering a full pint? Or will they think you have commitment issues if you opt for half a pint?
What if you don’t like Merlot or lager? Are spirits off-limits? If you say “gin and tonic”, will they think “yummy mummy in training”?
Worse still, what happens when you get drunk? Can you remember what you were saying? What was that joke they just said? Was it even funny? What was their name again? What qualifies as a date? Okay, so you’re going out for lunch. Great, it’s a lunch date, right? But, they’ve suggested Yo Sushi – is that even a date place? Isn’t it more of a commuter’s lunch spot?
You’d prefer the pub around the corner, but it’s only 1pm, maybe they don’t want to drink.
Or maybe they don’t really want this to be a date, hence the apathetic lunch-time slot.
Maybe they suggest meeting in the evening, but they want to meet at their house.
Isn’t a date supposed to be at a restaurant? Does this count? Will you even eat? What if your stomach starts rumbling halfway through their story about that time they went to Peru?
I can’t remember how kiss…
No matter which way you look at it, or which way you lean, kissing is a thing of pure wizardry.
What if you both tilt your heads the same way? How do you recover from knocking noses? Oh, is that a tongue piercing? Why are they biting me? This feels weird. Why do we do this?
Again, no solid answers, it’s just something we do… let alone how to do any of the other stuff.
Think of it like riding a bike. Enough said. – The Independent to