Hire me cheaply, DA

DEAR DA Leadership

I read in a discarded Sunday newspaper (on principle I do not buy WMC-aligned newspapers – I’m a bit short of cash) that you are contemplating hiring a “pricey UK election guru” to help you.

My considered advice (free at this point) is: Don’t. I am willing to offer the same but superior, service at a fraction of the price. Instead of the R1 million a day, I am willing to go in at R900 000 a day, plus VAT. I did say a fraction, not necessarily a small fraction. I am sure that on reading my reasons below, you will have no hesitation in throwing in your ca… sorry, your lot with me.

First, the gentleman in question is, I assume, English. We have just trounced the English twice on the rugby field, and who knows but that this is a plot to take dastardly revenge by muddying the already muddy waters of our political arena? Look for the hidden hand of British Intelligence in the sudden appearance of this hitherto unknown guru. It was reported that he assisted in David Cameron’s campaign.

Now, had he assisted in getting Donald Trump elected, that might have made one sit up. On the other hand, if Putin managed that while holding down a full-time job (if rumours are to be given credence), perhaps this guru business is not all it’s cracked up to be.

Second, this gentleman moved in the more restrained atmosphere of British politics and probably has no notion that ours is a cross between Comedy Central and a major prison riot. Does he know the art of making promises, convincingly, that cannot possibly be kept? Does he understand the place and role of music and dance? Does he know about the use of language so malleable that willingness to kill for someone can be substituted with willingness to die for someone as smoothly as changing gears in a Ferrari? What about the cultural significance of free braais and food parcels? The correct answer must be “none of the above”.

You would be far better served by a “local is lekker” approach. I have extensive experience, having helped several friends to win class prefect elections against overwhelming odds (two of them were not even students at the school). Like Vladimir, I also hold down a full-time job but am willing to take two weeks’ leave. Please do give sufficient notice. The standard contract I used previously is ready for your signatures. We can dispense with those complex banking transactions. I am perfectly at ease with black garbage bags.

Populist prattle, surviving scandals with panache, the value of friends in low places – these are but a few of my Electioneering 101 lessons. More of that once you have greas…, pardon, grasped my palm in a deal-closing handshake.

Yours in the struggle for honest electioneering. Richard J Mann Promise