WAYS TO KEEP RELATIONSHIPS STRONG
Instead of opting out, get to work on how to get back that loving feeling
EARLY on, relationships are easy. Everything is new and exciting. You go on dates, take trips, spend time together and intentionally cultivate experiences that allow your relationship to grow.
Then, somewhere along the way, life happens.
Rather than getting out, it’s time to get to work. Whether your relationship is already stuck in a rut, or you’re trying to avoid ending up in one, most people need to focus more on what happens between “I do” and “I don’t want to be with you anymore”. As a relationship scientist, I suggest the following four psychology research-based strategies to kickoff your relationship maintenance plan.
USE BOREDOM AS A PIVOT POINT
At different times, all relationships experience boredom. Psychology researcher Cheryl Harasymchuk and colleagues have explored how people react. For example, to turn things around when you’re bored, do you fall back on things that are familiar and make you feel self-assured, like taking a walk around the neighbourhood? Or do you choose growth-enhancing activities – like going for a hike on a new trail in an unfamiliar park – to mix things up?
It turns out study participants preferred growth-enhancing activities when they were bored, and when given a chance to plan a date, they incorporated more novelty into those outings. Rather than resigning yourself to boredom’s inevitability use it as a call to action.
KEEP DATING
To recapture that early relationship magic, research shows that couples should engage in new, challenging and interesting activities. It could be as simple as trying a new restaurant, or even a new dish at a favourite place.
In one study, researchers asked married couples either to play games like Jenga, Monopoly, Scrabble and UNO, or take an art class together. All couples increased their levels of oxytocin – the so-called “cuddle hormone” which helps partners bond. But the art class couples had larger oxytocin increases and touched each other more, perhaps because the activity was newer and further outside their comfort zone. That novelty may encourage them to rely on each other for assurance.
MOVIE NIGHTS
Grab a spot on the couch and have a couples movie night. Over the course of a month, researchers asked some couples to watch and discuss a romantic comedy such as When Harry Met Sally, while others did an intense relationship workshop. Fast forward three years, and the movie watchers were less likely to have broken up.
It isn’t just taking in any film, but rather that watching a romantic story gives couples a less threatening way to discuss relationship issues. It may also help them see their relationship differently.
FINDING THE BRIGHT SPOTS
Be more intentional about noticing your relationship’s bright spots. Not only will you appreciate your partner more, but you can use what’s going well to help improve less bright areas.
One new study tested a way to help couples in already healthy relationships. The researchers’ intervention had couples complete research-based positive psychology activities over four weeks such as:
Write the story of their relationship, focusing on positives, then share with their partner
Write a letter of gratitude to their partner
Identify their partner’s strengths and their strengths as a couple
Create a list of positive moments or activities partners want to share with each other. Pick one, and plan a time to do it
Create a desired happiness chart and discuss what small relationship tweaks can help make it a reality.
At the end of the month, compared with couples on the waitlist, participants reported more positive emotions, better relationship functioning and improved communication. Another month later, their average relationship functioning remained better than that of the comparison group.
Few people enjoy cleaning, doing laundry or mowing the lawn. Yet, if you neglect those tasks, life falls into disrepair. Your relationship is the same. Rather than thinking about replacements when it shows signs of wear, invest time and energy into a little maintenance. Using any or all of these easy-to-implement strategies should not only help a relationship survive, but thrive.