Angry about my husband’s Covid-19 death, at times I blame myself
Mowbray Maternity Hospital labour ward operational manager Sister Sarah Willemse shares the story of the recent loss of her husband Tommy, due to Covid-19.
THE loss of my high school sweetheart, my husband, my soulmate, the father of my children and best friend came as a shock. It was a theft of all the above things and more. Covid-19 has robbed me of the central figure of my life.
I am angry. I am heartbroken. At times I blame myself.
I ask myself how did I miss this as a registered nurse? Could I have done something like ask my Tommy more urgently to go see someone and not let him ignore my requests? Could I have done anything to prevent this?
Did I bring coronavirus home? I tell myself that he never coughed, had any symptoms that I could say that he had the virus. My husband was always very careful. Since the Covid-19 outbreak, he did not allow any visitors, made people wear masks.
This virus gave no warning. It was insensitive, disrespectful and didn’t care who Tommy was. It didn’t care that we had medical aid and thus access to better healthcare than is in the public sector. It just took him. The Covid-19 virus did not allow us to say goodbye, no preparation, nothing. There was a time in this month that I could not and did not want to hear Covid-19.
The funeral arrangements and the funeral itself were cold. My family and I were not able to view my husband one last time. We had to adhere to the regulations as we were informed a mere 48 hours before his funeral that he was a suspected person under investigation (PUI). Imagine for a second the undertaker coming to inform you of this and having to tell relatives and friends of the 50-person limit at the funeral that there could be no longer service with prayers, just a cold, quick goodbye.
Through this grief I had to make an attendance register for my husband’s funeral, a process I found heart shattering. Who do you invite from each side of the family? Which friend is more important?
Covid-19 has caused and is causing a lot of pain. My heart is aching at times so bad that I can’t breathe. My kids and grandchildren are missing their daddy and grandfather.
I come to work and coronavirus fills large aspects of my work life now. This evil is my work and it took my husband. I go home and there are constant reminders of him there. I cry a lot and sometimes with no reason. I have to be strong for my family and I have to be dutiful at work. And between all of these roles, I don’t know where to start again? Is it from scratch? Or do I build a new normal from this? Coming home at night I really feel the longing of his comfort and his greeting when I come home.
Covid-19 is a virus that is so secretive and affects so many families. My advice and plea to everybody is to love one another and to be safe at all times. Wash and sanitise your hands with with soap and water for at least 20 seconds. Look after yourself and your families. Educate yourself, your families, your friends, your enemies and your communities.