Violence against one is harmful to all

SOMETIMES a woman might be flattered if her partner is jealous over her, but if the man takes things to the extreme it is no longer flattering.

Men can be obsessively jealous and possessive. It is about controlling a partner, wanting to say who they can talk to and when they need to be home.

In a male-female relationship, an abusive man might point out a woman's shortcomings in front of family and friends. In fact, an abuser is likely to treat all females in his family disrespectfully. He may also speak ill of his exgirlfriends, blaming them for all his problems.

As we mark the campaign of 16 Days of Activism for No Violence against Women and Children – which started yesterday and runs until December 10 – almost everyone can relate in some way to descriptions of women abusers and/or domestic violence.

We know domestic violence can be in the form of physical, sexual, emotional and economic abuse. We also know it does not discriminate along lines of gender, race, religion, national origin, sexual orientation, gender identity, physical ability or socioeconomic status.

And we know that children are adversely affected if they witness or experience violence in the home. Statistics tell us teen-dating violence is at epidemic levels.

And we know that fear of retribution or feelings of guilt and self-blame often prevent victims from seeking help or leaving toxic relationships. It is tragic that there are many people in our communities who have to make difficult choices about whether to remain in unsafe homes or to possibly be homeless. I know I do not want to live in a community and a province where this is tolerated.

Awareness about this reality is not enough. If we are to truly commit to ending this social scourge we must translate our knowledge into action by enhancing victim services and holding batterers accountable for their crimes.

In seeking to prevent domestic violence the focus must be on men because it is men who teach other men and boys how to behave. And they should be teaching them behaviours that do not include abusing or degrading women. Violence against women affects all men because women are inextricable from the lives of all men – as mothers, daughters, sisters, aunts, grandmas, nieces, friends or partners.

And violence against one is violence against all. It shatters the peace of all and the wholeness of the individual and society. The fact is, violence against women is a symptom of a broken humanity.

Men must confront themselves for their role in contributing to the psyche of a society that continues to devalue women and children. Men can start to do this by challenging themselves on their own behaviours and attitudes towards power, leadership and the examples they set and by rejecting totally all abusive behaviours.

We should all be united in an effort to build safer communities for women and children. And we can change our culture and attitudes if we set our minds to it.

How? It requires that all of us as men, women and children, recognise and believe that WE are the ones with the responsibility to change our culture. It's not just the perpetrators – “THEM" – who must change. We too, must change.

Fame and money should also never be used to exonerate bad behaviour, and our youth must get this message clearly from considerate and principled adults.

We need to believe that a community free of gender violence and abuse is not only possible but that we can make it happen right here.

And we must dedicate ourselves to doing whatever it takes to make this happen, be it changing any derogatory habits or attitudes of dominance that we might have, as well as every action, big or small, in which we may treat another person to an object rather than a fellow human being.

Let us also talk to our children often about how to show respect towards others, even when you may disagree with them or if they have hurt you in some way.

Home should be a safe and nurturing place. Violence against women undermines our value system and destroys the spirit, particularly of children who witness it and are helpless to stop it.

Abusive behaviour by men must never be excused, ignored or tolerated. Such behaviour levels need to be lowered to zero.

Phumulo Masualle is premier of the Eastern Cape.