All’s not fair in love and war
ALL’S fair in love and war is a phrase regularly trotted out in wry mirth, but it’s actually a grisly metaphor that implies there is no justice in violence born of supposed love.
We have reported a number of cases in which intimate partners are involved in the final solution of their relationship woes – the cowardly shooting to death of their intimate partners.
To use the word cowardly is a strong indictment of masculinity, especially for those who see the fight for gender equality and justice as essential to the struggle for constitutional democracy. Tragically, twisted notions of masculinity lie at the evil heart of every femicide.
“Cowardly” is an extreme term to use. But, says Buffalo City-based executive director of Masimanyane Women’s Rights International Dr Lesley-Ann Foster, these two powerful ideological constructs are where the wound starts festering, and at a young age too.
Something has gone wrong with the way we socialise our boys – and girls, if cellphone footage of catfights are anything to go by. But where do good citizens in this bumpy, evolving democracy start trying to understand these incredibly complex issues? Foster says go the root, and she offers these pointers:
● Commodification of women’s bodies has the insidious effect of normalising the idea that women’s lives are of lesser value;
● Men, who are socialised to be strong and emotionally bulletproof, bottle up their feelings and have no healthy outlet for them, or have no place to speak about their frustrations and psychological and emotional hurt.
Foster says: “We need to make it OK for men to talk to someone about their frustrations.”
Men need space to talk, as men;
● We need to find new models of masculinity which are less harmful to families, communities and societies. This new morality of men needs to be founded on a deep respect for the dignity and rights of others.
It starts at a young age – and that is where we need to get involved by showing new ways of responding to and dealing with frustrations and challenges.
We need a school programme;
● Most important of all is political leadership and will. SA needs a state-driven programme which reaches all corners of the nation. “We need it at universities as part of ethics and training in every discipline. It should be taught to lawyers, health professionals and social workers – everybody;
● Intuitively, most South Africans know that corruption is much more than theft of money. Foster says: “There is a link between corruption and violence against women.
“If you flout the rule of law at one level it will infiltrate to all other areas of engagement.” If this is so, then there is some hope.
South Africa, now under new leadership, is in the throes of an intense battle against corruption. To save the lives of children, women and men, democracy must win.