Go alternative route with resolutions

Yes, we are several days into January, otherwise known as Dry January, Back to the Gym Jan, Giving Up Bad Stuff and Taking Up Good Stuff Janvier.

This was always the month of self-improving resolutions and now it’s basically compulsory. So, if you happen to be a resolution denier, your best bet is to go with some “alternative” resolutions, less “New Year, New You”, more whatever amuses you.

Here are some I prepared:

To not do anything, throughout the year, that qualifies as “Lemming” (the modern habit of adopting something simply because everyone else is).

To not buy eggs. This is not an anti-egg policy, this is an attempt to reverse some wasteful habits, one of which is buying eggs as a back-up, so we can always have scrambled eggs, and then never getting around to having scrambled eggs.

To buy more halloumi. Because it lasts about a year in the fridge, which makes it a guaranteed guiltfree food purchase.

To implement a personal phone ban. I mean actually ban it: at the table; in front of the TV; whenever there is someone present too old or too young to give a stuff about what’s trending on Twitter. Ban us in your restaurants, restaurateurs! Shame us in your homes, friends!

To ditch some friends. Because we all need all the friends we can get but, let’s be clear, you’re not actually friends with people whose home you have not visited once in the last five years or whose children you would not recognise or possibly have never met. Be proper friends with people you like to see.

To stand up from sitting on the floor without using hands (aka the life expectancy test).

To avoid noting women’s ages. Simply not interested. Nicole Kidman in a bikini aged bleep bleep, henceforth just don’t care.

Less staring at/ eavesdropping on strangers – not a problem as far as we’re concerned but the young people disagree.

No more saving stuff for best. We didn’t wear it to Christmas parties, so when? Must sometimes dress up or we’re going to spend the rest of our days in jeans and ankle boots.

To have more balls or parties. Or at least to push back the furniture once in a while and dance.

No more refusing to debate the issue in case it ends up in a fight. Must stand up and fight, calmly, before it’s too late.

To once and for all get someone to explain the TV remotes and really concentrate this time.

Remember to have more sex.