Happiness is not be-all and end-all of marriage
We’re increasingly meeting couples who are either miserable in their marriages or are divorcing because one partner can no longer make the other one happy.
The destructive nature of the belief that someone else, with flaws and deep-seated needs of their own, has a full-time duty to make you happy in marriage detracts from the real meaning and purpose of marriage.
Our obsession with “happiness” often exalts hedonism at the expense of what really matters in marriage, and seeks to cancel out the sacred truth that marriage is for better or worse.
We live in a society of clichés, sound bites and fitting in.
We have a generation that cares less about the discipline of time and sacrifice, yet have a fantasy of a “forever after”.
They want trust without the patience of building; faithfulness without the investment of integrity; and love without the discipline of commitment.
But in a world filled with thorns and thistles, happiness is a short-lived feeling.
We don’t always have to bail out of marriage just because we are treated in a manner that’s undeserving — which makes us unhappy.
Great marriages are diligently and patiently worked on.
What does “unhappy” really mean to marriages?
When people leave or think about leaving because “they aren’t happy”, it’s often not really about happiness, but about conflict they’re unable to resolve.
Over time, unresolved conflict creates an environment of hurt and resentment.
That creates tension in the marriage, as one or both members feel their needs aren’t being met and they aren’t being heard.
Over time, a perpetual state of tension becomes emotionally draining.
The couple will have a harder time finding happiness even in the good parts of the marriage, and instead focus more on problems as they become magnified.
And this will result in unhappiness.
Having conflict doesn’t mean you have a bad marriage. It means you’re normal.
Conflict is an unavoidable byproduct of two different people building a life together.
If you’re being real in your marriage, you won’t always agree and you won’t always get along, and that’s alright.
Unhappiness isn’t the problem, it’s a symptom.
Because you can’t solve a symptom, you can’t solve unhappy. You need to understand the actual problem so you can do something about it.
It’s easy to say we’re pursuing happiness, but what are we actually doing when we claim so?
Even fairy tales do actually leave that part out. “They lived happily ever after” and the story ends.
Our popular culture also suggests cars, fancy clothes, jewellery, houses, money and so forth will make us happy.
Other times, we are supposed to believe happiness is about having a successful, always-smiling family.
Being rich, however, will certainly not bring the same amount of joy to everyone.
Not all people are wired to find satisfaction in material possessions. Same goes for having the “perfect” marriage.
Society’s unhealthy approach to this can make those who don’t really fit into any mainstream “happy ideal” feel like failures.
Also, there’s no guarantee you’ll find what sparks happiness in a way that you’ll be able to be blissful all the time.
One of the things we dislike about the focus on happiness is its selfishness. It’s a focus on what a relationship does or doesn ’ t do for me.
Marriage should never just be about what one person is getting out of it. Both partners’ needs and wants must be respected and valued, even when they don’t completely match up. There must be compromise. For marriages to be successful, the focus should shift from what the relationship does for me to what we both do to serve each another.
It must be a mutually beneficial partnership where people are just as interested in what they can add to it as what they get out of it.
When you don’t depend on your spouse to be the source of your happiness and joy, you allow them room to be human and still be OK with their humanity.
No-one is ready for marriage if they can’t be happy being single.
While your spouse should enhance your happiness, you should never rely on them to be the source of that happiness.
It’s unfair on yourself, and your spouse, because you’re asking of them something they have no capacity to provide sustainably.
You will be lonely and frustrated if you place such expectations on your spouse.
Peace and satisfaction are far better pursuits in marriage. Happiness will then be a by-product of that pursuit.
When people leave or think about leaving because “they aren ’ t happy”, it’s often not really about happiness, but about conflict they’re unable to resolve