The reassuring role of the agony aunt
Advice columnists play key role in finding solutions to common problems, but don’t have all the answers
“Dear Agony Aunt...” reads the introduction to several SOS letters I have penned over the years, but never had the courage to post.
These sporadic moments date back to my teenage years when, filled to the hilt with some or other overwhelming emotion, my teeming brain and restless hands would reach for pen and paper to offload onto.
After carefully detailing my stresses and hurts — ensuring everything was peppered with a generous dose of drama, of course — I would fold the letters up and place them in a box I kept hidden in my closet, never to see the light of day again.
Now don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I don’t believe in sharing my problems with others, just not the public at large.
My fear was that some cunningly ingenious individual from my close circle would easily put two and two together, and figure out just who the aggrieved “anonymous” author of the letter really was.
But while I may have feared airing my dirty laundry in public, hundreds of thousands of other people are not fazed by such, leading to idyllic weekend afternoons where my friends and I devoured page after page of agony aunt columns in every magazine we could get our hands on.
For years we walked in the shoes of young and old, male and female, as they described their issues: From less-than-satisfactory marriages, demanding but unfulfilling careers, desperate parents seeking advice on how to tame their teenage charges, to bored housewives looking for ways to spice things up between the sheets.
There is no doubt that there is something cathartic about sharing one’s problems with a stranger. Even more gratifying, for myself at least, is reading about someone else’s problems and very often benefiting by taking the offered advice.
This is probably why agony aunts — wise, ever-so-calm, stoic advisers — have been and continue to be in existence even in this modern age.
These women have been around for centuries.
For America, the go-to agony aunt was Ann Landers in a column called “Ask Ann Landers”.
Ann, penned by Eppie Lederer, was born in the pages of the Chicago Tribune and for more than 40 years doled out advice on everything from infidelity and domestic violence to adult bed wetting.
A BBC documentary Sex, Lies and Love Bites: The Agony Aunt Story traced British agony aunts all the way from the 18th century to the modern day.
It covers the most common problems the advice columnists have addressed over the last 300 years — courtship confessions, to start, with racier topics following through the years where anonymous authors started a trend of sharing their sexual fantasies with readers. Yikes.
Back home, our dearest Sis Dolly is without a doubt one of SA’S most famous agony aunts.
From the early 90s, this iconic figure has shared her wisdom with all and sundry, from learning how to deal with cruel inlaws to cheating partners.
Her column became a playground for sex talk for men and women of all races who, judging by the numbers of letters sent in, had no platform for such discussions before.
I remember those steamy, blush-worthy letters well.
Aided by technology, agony aunts, and lately some agony uncles too, no longer only exist between the pages of a newspaper or magazine.
Need a moral compass on the go? Then download an agony aunt app where, for the price of a can of cooldrink, you can have access to around-the-clock advice.
They’re on blogs, websites, podcasts, radio and even on social media. But could there be any danger in taking the advice of a faceless stranger?
“Agony aunts are usually the most non-threatening way of seeking help for someone in distress,” East London-based counselling psychologist Luvo Adams said.
“They provide essential primary relief, or what we refer to as psychological first aid.”
Adams explained that it is important to remember when sharing your problems with a stranger or a therapist that neither of them has prior knowledge of you or your problems.
“This eliminates bias and judgment, facilitating an atmosphere for a more honest and comfortable outlet,” she explained.
In a 2003 article published on academic research website Research Gate, University College London lecturer and then Men’s Health agony aunt Petra Boynton said the agony aunt pages played a crucial role in teenage sex education.
An extract from the article reads: “Teenagers are more likely to use the media than other sources of information for advice on personal sex questions — particularly concerning issues that they feel they cannot ask teachers, parents, or healthcare staff about.
“A poll of readers of the teenage magazine Cosmo GIRL! suggested that if they had a sexrelated question, 79% would first consult a magazine agony column. Only 3% would speak to a doctor and only slightly more (18%) would ask their parents... the problem page has an informative and reassuring role.”
There are, of course, some downsides. Looking for empathy and a kind word as an immediate emotional Bandaid as you wrestle with your woes?
Then perhaps select your choice of agony aunt carefully as some are known for their nononsense approach, which can be rather abrasive.
In 2016, a Reddit user posted a newspaper clipping from an Ask Amy column which had a rather stinging reply.
“First, let’s establish that I agree with your sister: You are a horrible person... perhaps this is something you could ponder from your church pew, because despite your regular attendance, you don’t seem to have learnt much,” the agony aunt clapped back at a reader who complained about having to cater for her divorced, broke, working sister on a luxurious weekend away.
On a rather more serious note, in a research paper published in the National Library of Medicine website, a team of researchers sought to explore how both the contributors and agony aunts themselves positioned HIV in relation to choices relating to love, partnership and sex.
The research paper is titled A narrative analysis positioning HIV relative to personal (sexual) relationship challenges in an agony aunt column in the Western Cape, SA — Aunty Mona’s “love advice”.
An extract from the research paper reads: “The column is published in a South African, Afrikaans-language newspaper Son, prioritising sensationalist news items... Letters addressed HIV in three ways... experiences... direct questions about prevention; and scenarios where HIV could (from a public health perspective) have been the main concern, but everyday issues took precedence.
“The majority of letters fell into this latter category where the writers focused on the immediate concerns of good sexual relations, problems related to love and romantic relationships, good moral behaviour of others, and issues of oppressive life conditions rather than on HIV directly.”
Adams also weighed in here, adding there would always be a concern for potential harm when readers just took information in, accepting it to be true, without discrimination.
“Issues of mental and physical health in particular require more evidence-based interventions and thus need to be handled with extreme caution to prevent unintentional harm,” she said.
Then come the nutritional advice brigade, often amateurs loaded with sometimes incorrect information on eating disorders and nutritional plans, with some referencing wildly popular, but fad, celebrity diets.
Retha Harmse, a registered dietitian and Association for Dietetics in SA spokesperson, cautioned: “There is a reason Instagram and Pinterest decided to restrict unqualified influencers to promote weight loss products and share bogus nutritional information.
“Following diet and nutrition advice that is not based on sound research and evidence is less likely to be effective, and can pose a threat to your health and may cause harm, both short term and in the long run.”
Her recommendation is simple. Before consuming nutritional advice from any columnist, blogger, vlogger or social media guru; look out for the term “dietitian” as it’s a protected term in SA.
“If you are uncertain, check if they are registered with the Health Professions Council of SA.”
Still keen to send that letter to you agony aunt of choice? Take my advice, nothing beats a noholds barred conversation between friends over a cup of tea.
Agony aunts are usually the most non-threatening way of seeking help for someone in distress