Avoiding divorce during the empty-nest season

If you’re still living with your children, then your life is probably busy, stressful and hectic. Between work, housework, homework and all the other activities everyone in the family is involved with, it’s a wonder we make it through the week. And this can go on for years. But one day it will all stop.

The children will be gone, the house will be quiet and you’ll find yourself not knowing what to do. And though some may welcome the opportunity to do absolutely nothing for a change, it’s not all greener grass on that side of the pasture. For one, doing nothing can get boring very quick.

When the children leave home to pursue their independence in the world, parents soon realise that their relationship depends largely on how each spouse gets along with the other. For some parents, the frictions that were under the surface when the children were in the home become too hard to handle and can lead to empty nest syndrome and divorce. In many cases, the parents soon realise that their marriage isn’t stable.

But it goes far beyond that. Many couples find they quickly start to experience empty nest syndrome — feelings of depressions and emptiness once the responsibilities of raising children dissipate.

In the most recent marriage and divorce statistics in SA, it appears that more and more grown up couples divorce later in their marriages. It seems to us that many of them have the notion that they’ll hang around each other until the last child goes off to university. But on the way back from dropping their youngest child on campus, they stop at the lawyer’s office to start divorce proceedings.

We believe that the empty nest syndrome is actually the worst time to consider a divorce — even if things are bad in your marriage. When you’re done with your full-time parenting responsibilities and are left by yourself as a couple in an empty home, you should have more time to work through issues.

You should have far more energy to rebuild a lonely marriage, and generally have less stress to attack the marriage. You should have more freedom to rediscover sexual intimacy, more time and money to start doing more recreational stuff together. You should have more drive to pursue not just one another, but your lifelong dreams either as a couple or individuals.

Marriages may lead to empty nest syndrome and divorce for several reasons:

● The marriage was neglected. Much of the cause behind the divorce of older couples stems from the fact that they have lived as strangers for years. Many parents get so focused on their children’s lives that they have forgotten their own. It can be hard to get to know your partner after more than 18 years of marital neglect and it can lead to empty nest syndrome and divorce.

● Different perspectives on the empty nest. One parent may see the empty nest time as a chance to start new hobbies, to enjoy travel, and other things they may have put off. The other parent may just feel lonely because the children aren’t home.

● Concern about the children. It’s natural to be concerned about your children’s education, career, and social life.

Too much anxiety and worry can prevent a parent from focusing on their spouse and can lead to empty nest syndrome and divorce.

A warning to younger couples, don’t allow your marriage to have a lifetime of shared tasks, but no intimacy and shared purpose that’s bigger than just raising children. A good marriage is something you build, not something you find.

If you’re about to become an empty nester couple, the initial patterns and routines of an empty nest are crucial.

Your marriage may be in a state of flux for a few months, but it won’t be much longer than that before it settles down into the “new normal”. It’ll be the same old alienation, or a new sense of companionship, purpose, and intimate relating all of which are cultivated.

One of the couples we look up to, who are now empty nesters tell us, “We consciously decided to do more together than ever before. We now travel together for speaking engagements. We’ve together settled on a few favourite television shows. Our friends of many years have also become empty nesters, meaning we spend more time together with them. And since it’s just us in the house, we can “go for it” whenever we want to be physically intimate. The clock doesn’t matter. We miss being active parents, but our relationship has never been stronger, closer, or more intimate.”

For your own happiness, and certainly for your children’s, use the empty nest years to rediscover each other, recreate shared meaning, build a deeper legacy, and a more intimate marriage.

The last child leaving home needn’t be seen as the “finish line”, but rather the starting line to a new intimacy, a bigger legacy, and even the best years of your marriage ever.

You should have more freedom to rediscover sexual intimacy, more time and money to start doing more recreational stuff together