Beware loving your partner more than you love yourself

When we went for our premarital sessions about 18 years ago, we were taught that we would know we truly love each other when one partner places their needs below the needs of the other. Also that compromise, self-sacrifice and “holding your peace” even when you’re clearly bothered, was the proof of love.

This notion dupes many couples into a false sense of humility and fake unselfishness.

Truth is, loving your partner more than you love yourself is not love. It’s fertile ground for toxicity and mental illness. The whole notion is based on fractured beliefs about what true love is.

What are the consequences of loving your partner more than you love yourself?

● Settling for less than you deserve

Instead of engaging with your partner, you settle for and embrace the myth that, “marriage is about compromise”. And your settling may hinder you from communicating precisely how you wish to be loved, even when your needs are not being met.

● Defining your self-worth by others

Loving your partner above yourself could also affect how you carry yourself outside the relationship. Do you care too much about what others think of you? If you don’t feel loved and respected by your partner but love them unhealthily, you might become self-critical and secondguess your decisions.

● Unhealthy dependency How many things can you do on your own, from beginning to end without you seeking the validation of your partner? Do you drive by yourself? Do you manage your own finances? Do you take your own decisions? If you have given all the control to your partner, it will only leave you paralysed as a person. The unhealthy dependency may even result in co-dependency. A co-dependent relationship is a kind of dysfunctional relationship where one person is a caretaker, and the other person takes advantage.

● Lack of genuine intimacy One of the most tragic things is to give yourself so overwhelmingly to your partner, but not realising that you are in fact eroding any opportunity of genuine intimacy. Instead you create an illusion of closeness and being in a fake love bubble, but it won’t bring you love. Being vulnerable and asking for what you need promotes emotional intimacy. It allows your partner to see you and connect with you. ● No “me-time”

Lack of self-care is an intimacy killer. When you make your partner the centre of your universe, you tend to ignore everything that matters to you personally. For example, you tend to ignore your hobbies, passions, and even friends and family. Your entire life is wrapped around your marriage and partner. You’ll lose yourself in the name of loving them.

● Ignoring red flags

Red flags are clear signs that the relationship might lack trust and integrity. As a result, because you love your partner more than you love yourself, you might ignore their dishonesty, possessiveness, or unhealthy jealousy tendencies because you refuse to face reality. You might lose track of reality because of your fractured concept of love, that is you let go of standards, boundaries, and deal-breakers.

● People-pleasing You may go above and beyond to make your partner “happy”, even when they don’t reciprocate your gestures. You also might avoid confronting them about important issues because of your preoccupation with “meeting their needs” and nursing their feelings rather than your own. These dangers affect the quality of your relationship in ways untold. It is in loving your spouse as you love yourself that yields better possibilities of a healthy marriage. You cannot pour from an empty cup, in that you cannot love someone the way they need to be loved when you are empty of love yourself.

● Maintain a degree of space It’s unhealthy to allow the relationship to absorb your identity and to lose yourself as a person. Keep your own rituals, your own activities, and maybe even your own friends. Develop a spiritual meaning and nurture your faith. Spend a healthy time apart doing your own thing to nurture your soul. Engage in self-care activities, often on your own, without feeling guilty. The point is, you don’t always have to do things together.

● Pursue your own dreams

And this does not mean to pursue your own independence. It simply means you don ’ t have to sacrifice your personal goals, dreams and passions just because you ’ re married. That is a misconception of what a marriage is.

● Pursue your own happiness Your partner can’t make you happy. Only you can do that. They can enhance the happiness that you nurture in yourself by pursuing the above, but it is not their responsibility to make you happy. If you rely on them for happiness you will drain the space between you.

● Never lose your attraction Insecure people struggle to see anything good in themselves and are often dismissive of the positive things their partner sees. See in yourself what your partner sees in you. When you lose your attraction, you lose your marriage.

● Communicate how you want to be loved

And this is no sin. Set boundaries and stick to them. Demand to be treated with respect without fear. When you don’t like something, speak up, and do not be tired of repeating yourself.

Your’ can t partner make you happy. Only you can do that. They can enhance the happiness that you nurture in yourself by pursuing the above, but it is not their responsibility to make you happy