Angels from ‘shithole countries’ draw the line
After several days of silence, since the presidential spiritual adviser said: “Angels have been dispatched from Africa right now, they’re coming here, in the name of Jesus,” the Union of African Angels, also known as U-A-A (correctly pronounced as Ooooh Huh-Uh) have finally decided to address the lunacy.
On Wednesday 4 November the official results of the US presidential elections were yet to be announced. At the time, tallying was yet to be completed but Democratic presidential contender Joe Biden found himself in the lead and Donald Trump’s house of cards started to show a few cracks.
No one forgets God in a war or a hospital bed, they say, and with the spirit of soldiers stuck in deep and muddy trenches the Trump team resorted to prayer.
They brought out the big guns, so to speak, and tried to twist the hand of the Lord himself. The messenger? Paula White.
White, dressed in purple, the colour of the other god, Barney the Dinosaur, led the Republicans in what was described as an impassioned prayer for Trump’s re-election. Sources close to the White House who prefer to stay anonymous for their own safety have said: “We think describing the sermon as ‘impassioned’ in this context can be read as, ‘Wow, WTAF is happening right now?’”
Shouted White: “I hear a sound of victory. The Lord says it is done. For I hear, victory, victory, victory! Angels are being dispatched right now. Angels have been dispatched from Africa right now, they’re coming here, in the name of Jesus.”
In an official statement, the president of the U-A-A (who cannot be named for holy reasons) said the association had tried to maintain a dignified silence on the matter.
“Because as angels, we are meant to rise above this type of psychosis and remain accepting and forgiving of all God’s creatures,” the statement said.
“But since White’s statement went viral, we have been inundated with questions about whether these were factual statements so we decided to respond and hopefully succinctly put the matter to rest.”
In an attempt to educate White and Trump supporters, the statement explained that it is in fact not the 17th century and African angels have long stopped believing in the idea of a white Jesus who was used as a tool for the justification of slavery, cotton-picking, lynching and white supremacy.
“It may seem ironic that the surname of the spiritual adviser is White, but it isn’t. Remember, we are higher beings and not blind to the symbolism and meaning of this,” the president of U-A-A said.
“To say that angels are coming in the name of Jesus from Africa to help claim a victory for the very people who represent 400 years of slavery implies that White consulted with our Lord and Saviour.
“We all know he only responds to comms from African angels because he himself is black. White is a blatant liar. Why would Black Jesus (read: the real Jesus) do that? He wouldn’t. And he didn’t.”
To those determined to argue these points with the president of the U-A-A, which he anticipated would happen, the president of the association only had this to say: “Ooooh-huh-uh, there is no hope for you.”