Raising happy children the relaxed Dutch way
Laid-back parenting works, writes Nandi Roos-Munroe
THE AUTHORS of this book, subtitled Bringing up children the Dutch way, make a good case for why they believe Dutch children are the happiest in the world, based on their personal experiences as immigrants to Holland.
They describe their inner battle between what they thought they understood about parenting and what was for them the “foreign” Dutch way. They explore the attitudes of the Dutch from pregnancy and birth to the sometimes uncomfortable discussions about sex that need to take place with children.
This book is a practical read for parents who want to stop and think about their parenting style, and the cultural and social pressures that inform the way we do it.
The philosophy behind the Dutch style of parenting is “Rust, regelmaat en reinheid” (rest, regularity and cleanliness). Parents are encouraged to rest and relinquish the “helicopter” approach, while encouraging children to play and be independent.
Of course the methods of creating independence in children may not work in other parts of the world.
The Dutch are very big on cycling and let their young children cycle to school. Also helmets aren’t compulsory. This just screams out against all that I have been taught.
Yet studies have shown that if you don’t wear a helmet, you tend to be more cautious.
Also, in Amsterdam there is proper infrastructure to support the numbers of cyclists, and a tolerance and awareness of cycling that doesn’t exist to the same extent in South African cities.
As the mother of a three-year-old, I worried about the stories of children as young as two being allowed to play on the pavements outside their houses, and four-year-olds being allowed to go to the park unsupervised.
In a country like ours this is realistically not an option for us, though it happens – sometimes with tragic results.
The authors frequently refer to the “cycle of perfectionism”. This involves unrealistic expectations of being a perfect parent (facilitating endless playdates, holding perfect kids’ birthday parties, chauffeuring between multiple extramural activities) while placing pressure on our children to be the best in the class.
Their main message is that it is the absence of this fervour, this pressure, that makes Dutch children happy.
The feelings of “guilt, anxiety and judgement” often felt by Western mothers is referred to frequently in this book. The inference is that we feel this way because we are trying too hard to do too much and be perfect.
The Dutch approach to birth is very different. Twenty-five percent of births take place at home, and the authors amusingly relate their stories of being told that a hospital birth was really not a first choice and that the pain would make them stronger.
It is quite moving, though, to understand that the reason for all of this is to create “fierceness” in the mother, so she feels empowered by doing something amazing and difficult instead of having to relinquish her body to the medical profession. Only one in 10 mothers have C-sections as opposed to the US, where the statistics are one in three (South Africa also has a globally high rate of C-sections).
As “rust” (rest) is seen as so important, they do delicately discuss the method of allowing children to “cry it out”. They weren’t conclusive with their agreement or disagreement with this approach but it was well handled in the book.
The book examines the schooling system at length (which is in line with the Montessori approach). It is not a one-size-fits-all schooling system, and the objective is that there is no status associated to being number one and also that no child is left behind.
Play is considered crucial to happiness and pressure is seen as negative.
Parents will doubtless find something valuable in reading this book; you may, however, find it difficult to relinquish an ingrained “be-the-best” philosophy and replace it with the easy-does-it approach of child rearing.
The authors leave you with one overarching idea: that if we don’t build our children’s emotional and social skills when they are young, they will struggle to deal with pressure when they are older.
To place undue pressures on children when they are not yet emotionally intelligent may just create adults who can’t cope with life later on.